When we finally get the courage to leave our abusive partners, we hope that our abuse is over. Sadly, that is rarely the case. Yes, we no longer have them in our homes, and that is wonderful. But, if we own property with them, or have children with them, we find that the abuser has no interest in leaving us alone. S/he has gotten used to abusing us, and that doesn’t end overnight. If there are finances or kids to be fought over, they will fight to the death to win. As you may be aware, the abuser’s goal is always to win. They want to win every argument, they want to see you impoverished, and most of all, they want to take away your most prized possession, your kids.

In order to win, they will use all the tools at their disposal: criticism, lies, manipulation, gaslighting . . . all the things they were doing to you when you were together. Often, they redouble their efforts because you have harmed their image of themselves (narcissistic injury) by saying you don’t want them anymore.

And even more sadly, the courts often help them win. I have written about this many times before. Because abusers are so adept at looking good to outsiders, they are often brilliant at convincing judges that they are the injured, reasonable party. Often, the abuser will get more custody of the kids than their victim. It is criminal.

There is another important reason that the abuser looks good to those on the outside. They have not been abused! Their victim has, and has all the signs of someone who has been abused: anxiety, depression, feeling weak and confused. It is at this point that the abuser has you just where s/he wants you. If they redouble their efforts with more abuse, then they can WIN.

So, what can you do?

In the past, there have not been many resources for the abused partner. Today, I have a few great ones to share.

Rising Beyond Power and Control

Sybil Cummin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado. Sybil started out wanting to counsel children. The more she did this, the more she came into contact with kids and parents who have experienced domestic violence. Watching the injustice of what happens to these people in court eventually led her to creating the Rising Beyond Power and Control, community. Today, I share three resources that Sybil has created.

Learning to play the game in communication

Communication with your ex is a challenge, to say the least. Click here for the link to her resource entitled Roadmap for Communicating with Your Narcissistic Ex. This is totally worth the 5 minutes this will take to read. I will summarize her main points here.

1. Slow. Things. Down. Don’t respond immediately to your ex. Take time to think about your response and wait until you are calm before you send it.
2. Stay on topic. Only respond to things that deal with the children/finances.
3. Be a speckled rock. I have written about going No Contact with your abuser in the past. Sybil points out that being a “grey rock” with your abuser can sometimes make you look bad to a judge in a custody case. She recommends being a “speckled rock.” This method still holds your boundaries, but sounds more friendly to a judge. One example: If s/he asks to have the children on a day not specified in your parenting plan, you could just say “No.” Or, you might say, “I wish that we were in a place to work collaboratively as co-parents to negotiate decisions like this and unfortunately, we are not there right now. I intend to follow the court order as it is written.”
4. Maintain realistic expectations. Your abuser is not going to change overnight. This requires some patience.
5. Turn off your empathy. You are no longer responsible for the well-being of your ex.
6. BIFF. Your responses to your ex can strive to be: brief, informative, friendly and firm. For example, “Based on the information I have from the pediatrician, I do not agree.”
7. Write as if the judge is being copied. The judge could very well read any of your responses the next time you are in court.

Playing to win in court

This is the high-stakes round. How you navigate court may make the difference between mostly full custody of your kids and very little (or even no) time with them. Syble offers a great Family Court Checklist. Here is a summary of her points:

1. Organized documentation. This includes all financial documents and evidence of false claims your ex has made against you.
2. Relationship with your attorney. Spend time finding the best one, and one that respects you and will work for YOUR goals in court.
3. Communication with your ex. (See above). Make sure you are using written communication. An app like Talking Parents will be invaluable to you.
4. Firm and compassionate boundaries. With your ex, yes, but also with others in your life. Don’t over-extend yourself right now. You are fighting a battle to win your children.
5. Support system is ready. Make a list of all the people you can turn to when you need help. These people should be completely on your side, and will not EVER talk to your ex about what you are going through. If you don’t have anyone like this in your current friends and family, find new people. Support groups at your nearest domestic violence shelter can be invaluable.
6. Tool belt of coping skills. Become aware of when you are in fight/flight/freeze/fawn. Have a list of tools to help you move out of this back into a calm space, like grounding, deep breathing, safe space, container box, etc.

Documentation workshop, resources and membership

1. Sybil will be holding a documentation workshop Proactive and Prepared: A Documentation Workshop When Divorcing a Narcissist, Thursday, February 2nd, 2023 at 9:30 am MST where she will share tips and tricks to help you know what to document and how to organize it for a smoother and more confident path to your next court hearing.
2. Click here for a great resource page.
3. Sybil offers 3 levels of membership and support. Click here for more.

Thank you Sybil for all the great resources you have compiled!!

Family Court Corner

Angela created FamilyCourtCorner.com out of her hard-earned ten-year experience battling her ex for custody of her kids. She is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® with lots of resources to share.

Web-based Documentation System

This sounds like a game-changer! Rather than walking into court with a huge box of papers, this documentation system keeps everything at your fingertips online.

Services

Angela offers one-on-one coaching and texting help in the moment you need it. A woman I know swears by Angela’s advice and coaching. With Angela’s help, she was able to get close to full custody of her children.

A note from Caroline

I am praying that these resources will be a blessing to you. I would love any feedback you might have if/when you try these!

May you feel God’s presence as you fight the most difficult battle of your life.

Caroline