How many times has your abuser promised to change? If you are like many who are in relationship with an abuser, you have lost track of the number of times you’ve heard this promise. But does change actually happen? My guess is, if you are reading this blog, the answer is a resounding NO.

Is there anything that you can do?

Unfortunately, there is little that you can do, as we cannot make another person change. They have to actually want it. Then, it needs to be important enough to them to do some hard and uncomfortable things.

An example of a person trying to become physically healthy

In the beginning of every new year many people make resolutions to change their poor eating and exercising habits, hoping to lose weight. They are tired of their clothes fitting too tightly, and struggling to catch their breath as they get to the top of a flight of stairs.

If a person told you the day after their resolution was made that they had succeeded, and now they are at their desired weight, would you believe it? Probably not, as the evidence would show that nothing had yet changed.

Isn’t this what abusers do? They claim they want to change, and they try to get you to believe it has happened overnight. Maybe they will buy you flowers, take you to a nice restaurant, and/or apologize profusely. Is this a sign of a long-term heart change? Sadly, no. All that has happened is they have moved from the abuse incident stage of the abuse cycle to the honeymoon stage, or as some call it, the “love bombing” stage.

It makes sense to us that someone wishing to lose weight will have to work hard at it. They will need to stop eating potato chips and cookies, and start eating vegetables, nuts and lean meats. They will have to stop sitting on the couch watching television all day, and begin walking and going to the gym. There will be setbacks along the way.

No one can instantly change their eating and exercise habits overnight. There will be days when that bag of potato chips is consumed, and the person spends the entire day in front of the television. They will need to recommit to their goal over and over. And it make take weeks or even months for the evidence of this hard work to begin to show.

Major life changes take time and effort

The same is true for an abuser who actually wants to change. No one can decide to become a loving person and suddenly their lifelong habits of selfishness and thoughtlessness instantly disappear. There will be setbacks along the way. This person will have to recommit to doing the hard work over and over again. It takes time to make major life changes.

Leslie Vernick’s thoughts

Many who have been abused have asked me for resources for their partners. I have just recently come across a video by Leslie Vernick that I am excited to share today. In this short video Leslie speaks directly to the abuser. I think it is brilliant. Note that Leslie directs her video toward husbands. I will say that this information is applicable to anyone who is abusive, a mom, a girlfriend, a brother or dad. Abusers are not always males. Check it out here.

Leslie shares with abusers that they must begin to see that the people in their lives are people to love, not objects to use. These people have different needs and desires than you, and their needs are sometimes in direct opposition to yours. These people are not bobble head dolls with smiley faces that always agree with you and always think you are wonderful no matter how you treat them.

Abusers will need to begin learning to give to others in their lives as well as expecting to receive from them. No one can sow the seeds of discord and destruction in their relationships and expect to reap the benefit of a healthy relationship.

Steps abusers will need to take

1. Clarity

Abusers will need to begin seeing clearly what they have been doing to hurt those in their lives. They will need to accept they have a problem that is destroying their relationships and stop lying to themselves that it is everyone else’s problem.

2. Commitment

The abuser will need to commit to responding differently when things don’t go their way.

3. Confession

Abusers: when you mess up, you will need to fess up. Stop blaming others for your attitude and behavior. Stop minimizing what you’ve done. Repent, turn away from your destructive habits and begin to act and think differently.

4. Community

Seek accountability from others. This will include the person(s) you’ve been hurting, but also might include a pastor, a counselor and friends who will be honest with you about your behavior.

5. Consequences

You will need to accept that your current and past behaviors have consequences. Some consequences may include people around you not being happy with you. They may include the loss of relationships, either for a while or permanently.

Final thoughts

Leslie offers a free downloadable file with more information for the repentant abuser. Click here to access it.

Abusers must choose. They must choose between the pain of admitting their mistakes and putting in the time and energy to change their behavior, or the pain of unhappy or lost relationships. There are really only two choices. I have written another blog directed toward repentant abusers, check it out here.

I have walked the difficult road of relationship to a person who had no intention of changing. It was life sucking and painful. He chose not to make any changes. I pray your abusive person will choose differently.

Blessings to you,

Caroline