The origin of flying monkeys is found in The Wizard of Oz. These scary creatures did the Wicked Witch’s bidding. In recent years, the term flying monkeys has come to identify people that do the bidding of abusers. This might be someone who tells the abuser’s partner that they are crazy, that they shouldn’t leave, that they need to be a better partner and any problems in the relationship are due to the partner. Flying monkeys sometimes know they are helping an abuser, but most often, I believe, these people are unaware that the person they are helping is abusive. Instead, they truly believe that the abuser is the victim, and they are trying their best to protect him/her.

How do abusers fool their flying monkeys? 

Abusers are liars. They are also master manipulators. They know what they are doing to their partners but want to protect their reputation in the outside world. They spend enormous amounts of time and energy putting on a good face to those outside their relationship, pretending to be loving, caring, responsible, faithful, etc. They do this partly because it makes them feel good when others think well of them. But, they also do it to prevent their partner from leaving. If the partner has no one to help, then the abuser remains in control. And, the whole purpose of an abuser is to retain power and control over their partner.

Who might become a flying monkey?

Sadly, anyone can become an abuser’s flying monkey. Often, the partner’s friends, family and even pastors believe the abuser’s stories. Because the abused are often severely punished if they tell anyone what is happening in their home, friends and family only hear the abuser’s side of the story. Additionally, being tormented daily by someone who is supposed to love them can unsettle the partner, so that s/he becomes anxious, depressed, confused, seemingly “crazy.” The abuser on the other hand is not being abused, and so can remain unscathed by the toxic relationship. Once the partner is distraught, if s/he tries to tell someone what is happening, it sounds unbelievable. Who would believe anyone could be as cruel as an abuser? If outsiders have never experienced abuse themselves, they will find the abusive behavior hard to understand or believe.

How does this affect the partner?

When loved ones take the side of the abuser, the partner may spend many hours/days/weeks/years wondering if s/he is crazy. After all, if everyone around believes the abuser is so great, perhaps the partner really is crazy? Maybe s/he has misunderstood the intentions and actions of the abuser? Could the discord in the home be the fault of the partner? (The answer is no, but it is often hard for the partner to see this.)

The partner is devastated by the behavior of their friends and family. How horrible to realize that your mother, sister or even your kids believe that YOU are doing something wrong? That the abuser is only reacting to YOUR bad choices? Now, not only is your partner treating you terribly, but seemingly everyone else that you love is as well. There is no one to take your side, you are truly alone.

Having no one to support the partner keeps him/her under the thumb of the abuser. Abused partners are often so beaten down that they can’t make the hard and scary decisions needed to separate from their tormentor. And, they often have no money to find a place to live. They are often afraid to go to a DV shelter. If they cannot go to the home of a friend or family member, they feel they have no option but to stay…which is exactly what the abuser wants.

What can an abused partner do?

Believe what is happening

The first thing a partner needs to do is believe their own felt experience. This can be extremely difficult, because of all the gaslighting from the abuser and his/her flying monkeys. In order to become stronger, the partner will need to search for resources. Check out my Get Help page to find many good books, and DV crisis centers. Many crisis centers offer support groups, and free or low cost counseling. Many of these are now offered on-line, so even if you live far from the crisis center, you can still access the resources. Surrounding yourself with those who understand the dynamics of domestic violence will help you to realize you are not crazy. There IS help available.

Grieve

Once the partner realizes they are being abused, and that those s/he cares about are on the side of the abuser, s/he will need to take time to grieve. This is no small feat. There are many steps to grief, and they can each be exhausting. Acknowledging you have something to grieve over, and taking the time to do it will move you from denial to eventual acceptance of the reality you are living.

Set firm boundaries with the flying monkeys

Once you realize your abuse is real, and you take time to grieve that those you love are not going to support you, you can begin to take steps to ignore your abuser’s flying monkeys. In the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy was at the mercy of the wicked witch’s flying monkeys, but you don’t have to be. Today, we can block them on our phones, from our email. This is a difficult move because if they do get near us, they will tell us again how crazy/ungrateful/stupid we are to not take their advice. This is when having a support system around us is so important. People who are truly on your side will help you remain strong as you set needed boundaries with the flying monkeys in your life.

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If you find yourself surrounded by furry, flying creatures with tails, I hope these steps will help you keep them at bay. Know that there are people who you can actually trust and depend on, you may just have to search for them. Also know that God sees what you are going through and is always available for you, 24/7.

May you feel His presence today.

Caroline