Hello friends. I have a treat for you today. I recently received an amazing letter from Janet (not her real name). Before I share it, I will give you a bit of background. Janet contacted me two years ago. She had read my blog about dealing with narcissistic parents. Janet was born with a physical disability. Her parents treated her with emotional, physical and spiritual abuse for years. She lived with them into her 30s, trying to please them, while receiving more and more abuse. They tried to convince her that she could never survive on her own, while taking most of her disability income for themselves. She suffered crippling physical pain, anxiety and depression. There were many obstacles to getting free of these parents, one of which was that she lived in an isolated rural area. About six months ago, she finally broke free from her family and began living on her own. She was surprised and dismayed that her anxiety and depression did not get better, but actually got worse. She spent a lot of time second guessing her decision to leave. I had not heard from her for a few months when I received this encouraging letter. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Here you go:

I think I’ve just gotten a slight taste of what it must have been like for the shepherds out in their fields when they received the news of Christ’s birth. It was just a solitary, ordinary night of shepherding, and God was at work in an unseen realm beginning to unfold His marvelous redemption plan. To the astonishment of these lowly men, an angel appears before them with a message from the Lord.  Their lives are instantly, forever changed. They leave their sheep and go with haste to see and marvel at what had been told to them. Then they return to their fields glorifying and praising God.

Here I am six months this side of leaving the toxic environment of everything I had ever known. It has been 6 months of riding an emotional and physical roller coaster. Joy and sorrow, relief and pain, triggers of past trauma, a barrage of crushing messages, and crippling anxiety, mixed with high hopes for the future.  

Over the last couple of weeks, I have occasionally found myself lost in thought pondering what God might have in store. What is he doing with all of this? How is he weaving disability, abuse and  trauma, ministry experience, complicated relationships, and this grueling healing process together for my good and His glory? What shape is my future going to take?

I have been going about ordinary life, taking one step at a time, trying to focus on helping myself heal emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My heart is hungry for God. 

Daily, I have been battling triggers and negative messages that want to paralyze me and keep me from moving forward. I feel like I’m in an aggressive game of tug-of-war with my faith on one side and fear and past trauma on the other. I have been intentionally trying to saturate my mind with the truth, and praying for wisdom and direction for my future. 

After much thought and prayer, I committed to taking a short-term, medical missions trip overseas.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, on Tuesday I received a surprise email from the disability advocate who has helped me in the past. He told me that the organization he works for was going to have a job opening, and I was the first person he thought of to fill the position. He said I would be perfect for the job. On Thursday, I stopped by their office to pick up a flyer to learn more about the position. Again he encouraged me to apply. I would be helping others with disabilities achieve and maintain Independent living.

My personal experience with disability, my ministry experience overseas, and even the abuse and the healing process that I’m trying to take myself through has given me the qualifications and personal resources that I need to fulfill this position.   

In my conversation, this gentleman was talking to me a little bit about the interview process. He said, “they will want to know things like how you will handle conflict with a consumer.”  I was thinking to myself, “just calmly listen, stay personally detached, validate them as an individual, acknowledge their feelings, and do what you can to help the situation.”

I submitted my resume and references this afternoon. Throughout this process of ironing out necessary logistics, updating my resume etc., I’ve been battling the internal noise of negative messages from my parents and the the anxious thoughts of “what if my performance doesn’t measure up with the first impression that I made? What if I actually get this job and my best efforts are not good enough?” (I feel like I’m never good enough.) 

The truth: God’s strength is made perfect in weakness. My help comes from the Lord. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I can be clothed with strength and dignity. He says, “fear not for I am with you, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” He says he will never leave me. God promises to give wisdom when I ask for it. He is my protector and provider.

So, I move forward taking one step at a time. Trusting my future to the One who holds it, He who has numbered my days and the hairs on my head. Our God of details and surprises.

My takeaway from this letter is that the spirit of survivors is strong and cannot be kept down. Faith in God gives us strength.  Tweet This Thank you Lord!

If you would like a book to help you on your own personal journey from victim to thriver, I invite you to check out my book A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse. 

I hope this letter blessed you as much as it did me.

Caroline