Hello my friends. It has been some time since I’ve written. I am in my last year of my masters degree in Counseling Ministries, and I found my to do list was just too long. I was overwhelmed and needed to focus on my school work, my counseling clients, my family and my self care. I have one more semester to go! While I am between semesters, I am taking a few moments to write.

My Struggles as a Step-Mom

I am a step-mom. Being a step mom to several hurting kids has been a hard experience for me. Because my step-kids have experienced lots of trauma, they often react to those around them out of their deep well of hurt. And, because of the trauma I have experienced, I have not always reacted as well as I would have hoped.

I have received a lot of counseling in my life, individually, with my family and in groups. It has saved my life. Now that I am a counselor myself, I was thinking I was done with receiving my own counseling. I was wrong. One of my counseling professors told our class that as counselors, we should plan to get counseling – for the rest of our lives. Right about that same time, I was feeling anxious and depressed about some things going on in the lives of my adult step-kids. When your kids are adults, there is very little you can do to influence them. We just don’t have the control we did when they were young. Maybe it is a fallacy to think we ever really did. This lack of control is doubly true if you are a step-parent. I admit that in order to relieve the chaos of my crazy life, I have wanted to control the lives of my loved ones. Realizing I had no control was causing me a lot of angst.

The Counselor Is Now Also the Counselee

So, I found my own counselor. Sitting on the other side of the counseling room is a humbling experience. I had to stop myself from trying to counsel my therapist. I was there for ME this time. It gave me a renewed respect for my clients. Spilling your guts to another is not easy. Those that are brave enough to do it deserve our respect.  Tweet This

EMDR

My therapist uses Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) for clients who have experienced trauma. In this therapy, the therapist leads the client to move their eyes from side to side while the client thinks about an upsetting situation. Therapists might can move a light from side to side, use paddles that buzz from left to right to left, or use a sound in head phones that sound in one ear then the other.

This is how the EMDR Institute describes what happens during EMDR:

A Harvard researcher believes the eyes moving from side to side are similar to the biological mechanisms involved in Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep. During EMDR, clients begin to process the memory and disturbing feelings. In successful EMDR therapy, the meaning of painful events is transformed on an emotional level.  For instance, a rape victim shifts from feeling horror and self-disgust to holding the firm belief that, “I survived it and I am strong.”  Unlike talk therapy, the insights clients gain in EMDR therapy result not so much from clinician interpretation, but from the client’s own accelerated intellectual and emotional processes.  The net effect is that clients conclude EMDR therapy feeling empowered by the very experiences that once debased them.  Their wounds have not just closed, they have transformed. As a natural outcome of the EMDR therapeutic process, the clients’ thoughts, feelings and behavior are all robust indicators of emotional health and resolution—all without talking about the trauma in detail.*

My Experience with EMDR

Recently, my therapist and I used EMDR to process some of the trauma from my domestic violence. I recalled an episode with my abusive first husband. Before we began the eye movements, my therapist asked me to describe:

1.  A vivid visual image related to the memory – (my ex-husband standing over me, calmly telling me he wanted me to die).
2.  A negative belief about myself – (that I was powerless), and 
3.  Related emotions and body sensations – (fear, anger, sadness, tightness in my shoulders and stomach).

My therapist then led me through the eye movements several times, asking me how I felt after time. As I focused on moving my eyes back and forth, many images came to me in quick succession. I began thinking through all the things I had done since that day:

1. Found a lawyer
2. Asked for and received a protection order from the court
3. Reported my husband when he broke the order – he spent a night in jail
4. Met and married an amazing man
5. Wrote two books to help others deal with their domestic violence
6. Blogged for 8 years
7. Sought a masters’ degree in counseling
8. Began a private counseling practice with my second husband where I help DV survivors.

After about 20 minutes of eye movement processing, I was no longer feeling upset when I focused on this episode. As I left my therapist’s office, a thought came to me.

I am not powerless, I am a BAD ASS!

WOW! What a difference in my perception of that event! It was truly miraculous. The good news is that is still feel powerful and I am proud of all I have been able to accomplish with God’s help since that dark day when I thought my husband might kill me.

The best news is that I did not accomplish all this on my own. Though I did not receive support from everyone, I kept searching until I had support from lawyers, counselors, friends, family, mentors, professors, my awesome second husband and especially from God who promised me:

I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)

He hasn’t.

May each of you get the support and help you need and deserve. Blessings to you all,

Caroline

*https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/