When we are free from our abusive partner and they start dating someone new, should we warn the new partner?

Great question.

My experience

I met my ex’s new girlfriend at my daughter’s engagement party. Though my ex refused to speak to me, his new girlfriend was kind, thoughtful and engaging. If she wasn’t dating my ex, I would have asked her to be my new best friend. The more I saw her, the more I liked her.

This caused me a great bit of angst. How could I let this sweet woman date such an awful human and not warn her what her future would likely be? I took the question to my therapist. She recommended I say nothing. She correctly pointed out that this was an adult woman who had to make her own choices and that even if I did tell her my experience, she would probably not believe me. So, I said nothing, though I lost a good amount of sleep over it. I never truly felt comfortable with this decision.

Ask Amanda

Fast forward a decade. Domesticshelters.org recently posted an article in their “Ask Amanda” column where Amanda answered this question. Here is a summary of her response:

This is a complicated situation, to be sure. It’s one that I’ve heard about in various forms from not only a lot of readers here but also friends in real life. You know that your ex is bad news, so what’s your obligation to the next partner he* chooses? What if you’re scared for her safety, and her children’s safety but also your own? It’s a really heavy thing to think about, and there’s no one right answer.

If you decide to try to warn this new woman about what she’s potentially getting into, there’s a decent chance your reputation has already been tarnished by him. You may very well be “the crazy ex” because he likely knows that the two of you are familiar with each other, and he wants to cut you off at the pass. Abusers are strategic like that and manipulative. There’s a decent chance he’s already begun to love-bomb her so that she wouldn’t be able to wrap her head around the fact that he’s anything but a Prince Charming.

Are they likely to abuse their new partner?

Of course, some may argue that just because he was abusive in your relationship it doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be abusive in this new one. *Insert skeptical eyebrow raise here.* If you say he’s continuing to use abusive tactics on you and your children even after your divorce, that tells me that there has been no grand transformation for the better in this man’s life. (I, Caroline would also add that abusers very rarely change their behaviors. While at the beginning of their new relationship, all will look good, the new partner will probably experience the same (or worse) abuse that you did eventually.)

If this new partner becomes something serious, there’s a chance you’ll end up interacting with her during child exchanges, assuming you share custody with your ex (you may not). You may be able to get a better read on her through these interactions and better gauge whether or not you feel like she’d open up to you if something was going awry. After all, she has children as well and surely, she wants to keep them out of harm’s way.

What about your own safety?

As difficult as it may be not to sound a warning alarm for this new woman, you have to think about your safety and your children’s safety first. You are likely the main target of your ex’s abusive urges. As Leslie Morgan Steiner, author of the chilling memoir Crazy Love, told me, “A victim’s first obligation is to protect him or herself. I didn’t always understand that it was OK to put myself first.” She didn’t warn women who would come to date her violent ex-husband because she feared her ex’s anger and, “I have three children [with her second husband] and I want to protect them, too.”

You don’t have to tell the new girlfriend all the details of your marriage. You could consider simply saying to her, “If you need to talk, I’m here.” If something has already happened with your ex that’s given her pause, she might pick up on that subtle signal. If anything, it opens the door to communication in the future if and when she begins to realize what your ex really is. After all, abusers rarely start a relationship with overtly abusive tactics. Typically, it’s more subtle. It’s a small demeaning comment here or there, a jealous inquiry into their whereabouts or testing the waters to see how much they can control the new person. But it’s layered in things like love-bombing and mirroring, which is emulating everything the new partner loves as things they’re interested in, too, to form a bond.

The hope here is that the new woman will see the red flags before she gets in too deep. Abusers are known to brainwash their victims, making it more difficult for them to leave the longer the relationship goes on.

Listen to your gut

Ultimately, you should listen to your gut when it comes to what decision will keep you and your children safe. But it’s admirable and brave for you to want to warn this new woman as well. In my opinion, we women need to look out for each other when it comes to abusive men rather than work against each other. That’s why it’s so important to believe women, first and foremost. Here’s hoping both of you stay safe going forward.

I love Amanda’s suggestion that you offer to be there for the new partner if they need to talk. I think this is a good middle ground between saying something and possibly receiving abuse from your ex, and saying nothing.

How did my story end?

I often saw this woman at family gatherings for the next year. Then, suddenly, she was no longer present at these gatherings. A few months later, I bumped into her. I didn’t feel I could actually ask her what happened, so I just asked how she had been. She told me, “I have determined never to be treated badly again,” which told me all I needed to know. I was so thankful she was out of that relationship and safe. Since then, as far as I know, my ex has not dated anyone else. For this I am truly thankful.

What about you? Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do?

Like Amanda, I pray that each of you is safe going forward. If you have other questions about how to navigate your healing process after abuse, please check out my book A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse. 

Blessings to each of you,

Caroline

*Note: Abusers and their victims can be male or female.