In my work as a counselor of abuse victims, I am often asked, “How can I get my abusive partner to change?” My clients have usually tried everything they can possibly imagine to help their abusers realize just how destructive their actions are to their relationships. They’ve tried doing whatever the abuser wants, standing up to them, getting angry themselves, asking their pastors for help, sought marriage counseling, read books, prayed daily for years . . . you name it. I like to call it twisting themselves into the perfectly shaped pretzel. Sadly, nothing helps. So how CAN you get your partner to change? As Leslie Vernick said recently in her newsletter from June 30, 2020,
YOU. CAN’T. YOU CAN’T.
It is not your job, your pastor’s job or even your counselor’s job to get your abuser to take the steps of true repentance.
Not even Jesus coerced people into repentance. For example, in John 13, at the Last Supper, Jesus showed all of his disciples the full extent of his love. He knew Judas was about to betray him. He even told Judas he knew it. But Judas didn’t repent. Jesus didn’t go chasing after him, begging, waving a book in his face or dragging a counselor along to talk sense into him. No. Judas had the freedom to choose.
Now, Zacchaeus, in Luke 19, is an example of someone who did choose to repent. He was the chief tax collector and money was his god. He was very rich from extorting money from his fellow Jews.
But something changed in Zacchaeus’ heart when Jesus came to his house. We know because he told Jesus, “I will give half my wealth to the poor and if I’ve cheated people on their taxes, I will give them back four times as much.” He now loved Jesus more than money and he was willing to make restitution for his sin. True repentance cannot be coerced or taught.
So how do you know if your abuser is genuinely repentant and not just full of empty words?
Paul talks about this in Ephesians 4. He says, “throw off your old sinful nature and former way of life. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God – truly righteous and holy.” Then he gives specific situations. For example,
If you’re a thief, quit stealing. That is the first evidence of a change. The sin hurting you and the relationship STOPS.
Second, Paul says, “Use your hands for good, hard work.” This demonstrates the thief is now taking responsibility for meeting his own needs.
And, then, Paul adds something else. He says, “Then, give generously to others in need.” This deals with inward character. The heart. The thief is transformed inwardly from a taker to a giver.
Apply this to your abuser:
You first want to see sinful behavior stopped. Then, s/he needs to take responsibility for him/herself – his/her feelings and actions, and, finally, you want to see an inner heart transformation as s/he begins to develop new outward behaviors and attitudes. S/he’s doing this to honor God, not to get back home.
Now, this won’t happen overnight. It’s a process. But this could be evidence that it’s happening:
First, your abuser grows in self-awareness. S/he starts owning his/her sin instead of blaming others for it.
Second, s/he’s willing to receive feedback from others, especially when s/he’s slipping back into old behaviors… and that will happen from time to time.
Third, s/he’s willing to be accountable to a small group of trusted people . . . people who will do the work of holding him/her accountable. Major life change never happens without accountability and support.
There is no exact list but you do want to see this kind of progression both internally and externally so that you are seeing the FRUIT of genuine repentance.
I often tell my clients, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. An abuser can tell you that s/he has changed a hundred times. Don’t be fooled by these words. Is s/he still acting entitled, manipulating you, treating you with unkindness and disrespect? Is s/he still unwilling to own the damage they have done to you? Still blaming YOU for their actions? If so, there has been no heart change.
If you are still hoping your abuser will change, this post may feel discouraging to you. While there is very little you can to to MAKE your abuser change, holding him/her accountable for their actions can sometimes help. You can check out my four part blog on how to hold your abuser accountable by clicking here.
Being on the receiving end of someone else’s abuse is heart breaking, especially a person who is supposed to love and protect you. If you find yourself in this situation and need some support, I recommend you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. These DV advocates are well trained and work with abuse victims daily. You are not alone. Reach out for help today.
Blessings to each of you,
Caroline
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