Those who have experienced domestic violence in their intimate partner relationships or families may have been abused in many ways: emotionally, psychologically, physically, sexually, financially. Often, they will also experience spiritual abuse. What exactly is spiritual abuse? I recently read a great description of spiritual abuse in the book Ethics and Spiritual Care: A Guide for Pastors and Spiritual Directors.* This book is written for church leaders to police their own behavior. Abuse in relationships is not the only place that people are spiritually abused. This also happens in churches. Here is Karen Lebacqz’s definition of spiritual abuse:
Spiritual abuse happens when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate others. Spiritual abuse happens when leaders require “spiritual performance” in accord with an exacting standard and then make people feel inadequate when they cannot meet that standard. Engendering a sense of unworthiness becomes central to abuse. Spiritual abuse happens when judgment is leveled at someone who is in need of support. In most instances, spiritual abuse involves <making> someone feel that their spirituality is defective; in many instances shame is used to get someone to support the view of the more powerful person.
Based on these examples and definitions . . . there is a certain anatomy to spiritual abuse. This anatomy, or structure, includes the fact that one party is powerful and the other more vulnerable, that the powerful one assumes that his or her authority is beyond question, and that the powerful one shifts the focus of concern away from the problem as perceived by the vulnerable one and toward seeing the vulnerable person as the problem. Spiritual abuse, they argue, can only come from a place of power or perceived power. Thus, most of the time, abuse will be perpetrated by the leader or professional who holds power in the situation.
Spiritual abuse is grounded in two roots. First is a scriptural root that defines “false” spiritual leaders (Matthew 23) and compares two spiritual systems (Matt. 11:28-30). The “true” spiritual system is under the reign of God and intends to bring life and freedom to people. The “false” spiritual system is under the rule of people, who try to control the behavior of others. In a true spiritual system, God’s yoke is light (Matt. 11:30). Jesus railed against false spiritual leaders in his day, and similarly there will be false spiritual leaders in our day.
When weary souls go to church, they seek “living water” but are in danger of finding “vipers” who suck their lifeblood instead. 
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The second root is family systems theory, in which abusive family systems are <based on> shame relations that undermine one’s sense of self. In a healthy family, people are allowed to make mistakes, and the personhood of the child is affirmed. Abusive parents create an “unsafe space,” and <are> too harsh and judgmental. They hold up standards that are impossible for children to meet, they tear their children down, or they use their children to meet their own needs.
Question: Does this sound like your parents, or your intimate partner, or your church leader?
My Experience
I have personally experienced spiritual abuse twice.
From my abusive husband.
The first time was from my abusive first husband. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. He would often rage at me, calling me names, and telling me what a horrible wife and mother I was. Then, when he was really angry, he would simply stop talking to me . . . to the point he would pretend I did not exist for up to a month at a time. When he came out of these spells, he would often spiritually abuse me. He would tell me that I did not understand the Bible. He would say that a good wife submitted to her husband, and since I did not anticipate everything that he might ever want (which changed on a daily basis), I was not submitting to him, and therefore I was not a good wife. Because I was not a good wife and mother, I was not a good Christian. For years I tried to jump through the hoops he set up for me, in hopes that I could keep our family intact, and not have to divorce.
After enduring this for many years, I turned to my pastor for help. I asked him to hold my husband accountable for his actions. My husband was a good liar, and could be charming. He convinced the pastor that he was sorry for his behavior, and was seeking counseling. (He did seek counseling, but only in the hopes that the counselor would tell me how “wrong” I was for “lying” to the pastor about his actions.) In reality, once I spoke to the pastor, he never spoke a civil word to me again. For the last year of our marriage the only way he spoke to me was when he was raging (verbal abuse) or when he would email me, telling me what to do, and abusing me further.
Things got worse and worse, which isn’t unusual. An abuser’s actions generally accelerate and get more abusive over time, and this was certainly true for my husband. Soon, he was physically abusing me, hitting me, pinning me down, physically threatening me. I eventually came to the realization he was never going to change, so I sought (and was granted) a restraining order against him. Guess what he did next? He called the pastor from whom I had sought help, and played the victim. He told the pastor I had kicked him out, and that I had gotten a non-Christian lawyer. This led up to my second round of spiritual abuse.
From my pastor.
The pastor then called me and asked me what was happening. When I told him, he said, “You know, God hates divorce, and the Bible says that a Christian should never take another Christian to court.”** I was seething. I said “I asked you for help a year ago, and you did nothing to help me. You have known what is happening here all this time, and you refused to hold my husband accountable. I am going to hang up before I say something I will regret.”
I moved forward with the divorce. A few months later, I received a letter from my pastor. In it, I was told I had no biblical cause for divorce, and therefore, I should make an effort to reconcile with my <abusive> husband. He listed several actions I should take, such as getting marital counseling, and going out on dates with him. If I refused to do these things, I should step down from the leadership positions I held in the church. I was LIVID! After I calmed down, I wrote him a letter saying that because I had a restraining order against my husband, who had abused me for years, I would not be going out on any dates with him. I would therefore be stepping down from my leadership positions.
What do we do with this?
Many of you who read my blogs are Christians, and many are not. Many people turn away from God, the church, and the Bible when they are spiritually abused. I can fully understand why. When someone who is supposed to love us (like significant others or family), or someone who is supposed to represent Jesus to the world (like pastors) twists the words of the Bible and abuses us, we understandably want to run from them. I chose to turn away from my abusive husband and abusive pastor and seek Jesus. I got a divorce and I left that church. Over the next few years, I remarried an amazing, loving man, and I found a new church, with an awesome pastor. My pastor recently did an excellent sermon on what the church SHOULD look like. I found it incredibly encouraging. Not all churches are safe, but finding a good one is priceless.
Jesus hated hypocrisy. In Matthew 23:2 – 4, 13 he said,
“The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. . . Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.”
If you have been spiritually abused, I am so sorry. This was never Jesus’s desire or plan.
Caroline
*Lebacqz, Karen. Ethics and Spiritual Care: A Guide for Pastors and Spiritual Directors (pp. 131-133). Abingdon Press. Kindle Edition.
**This comes from 1 Corinthians 6:1-7. In this passage, the Apostle Paul talks about the common practice of that day, when people habitually took others to court over trivial matters (being cheated). This is not the same thing as taking someone to court to get free from their mental/physical abuse.
