Have you recently left an intimate relationship that was unhealthy or abusive? If so, your first inclination might be to find someone better to replace your old love, ASAP! Who could blame you? You have been through hell. Your self-esteem needs a boost. It feels great to be in love! Won’t a new love fix your pain?
I believe the answer is a resounding NO. 
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Getting into a new relationship before healing from the last one will only compound your pain. Laura Charanza agrees with me. I recently read her new book called Ugly Love: A Survivor’s Story of Narcissistic Abuse where she talks about this. She asks the question:*
If you have done all <the hard> work to leave an abusive relationship with a narcissist, why would you want to do it all over again? Tweet This
When we go from one relationship to the next without taking time to heal, we often (unwittingly) choose someone just as unhealthy as the person we left. Charanza quotes Rebecca Lynn Pope who recommends taking time to heal before dating again for that reason. She says, “At the end of the day, when you aren’t healed, you are wearing pain goggles. You see everything through a hurting cloud. Your vision isn’t clear. Which means you could meet a really great person and tell yourself, ‘No, I’m good. He or she is weird, and certainly not for me.'”
However, that person may be a great man or woman you just passed by because you are used to being in a relationship with someone who is broken and unhealed. Perhaps you are used to a narcissist. You are still more comfortable around the man** who brags about himself, likes to be the center of attention, displays charisma, and makes you feel like a princess. You still don’t see that underneath that mound of whipped cream, he is a bowl of poison.
Pope reminds us that when we are unhealed and trying to date, <we can> meet the mild-tempered, kind, sweeter man and tell ourselves, “hmmm . . . I don’t know about him. He seems weak. I want a manly man. I want a boss.”
However, when you are healed, you “take off the pain goggles and your vision clears. Your spirit is free, and you meet this wonderful man who is sweet, kind and mild-tempered and all you feel is peace. Your peace resonates with his peace and you are like wow, you are amazing.”
How do we take off our pain goggles? Often, to heal from our past, we have to slog through more pain. This is not a fun time. But I believe it is necessary. We might need individual counseling. We may need to join a support group. We might be asked to relive some terrible moments. It would be easier to deny our current and past pain. But denial solves nothing. Until we look at ourselves and why we have made unhealthy choices in the past, we will be destined to make the same mistakes over and over again. And, to me at least, that is no way to live.
I am passionate about helping others heal from difficult childhoods, and/or abusive intimate partner relationships. I have written countless blogs about this topic. I have also written a book called A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse. I invite you to check them out.
We often believe that God does not care about our healing. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Psalm 34:18 says:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
In John 10:10, Jesus said:
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
I hope this blog has encouraged you to strive for your own healing before you jump into a new relationship, possibly compounding your pain.
Bless you all,
Caroline
*page 150
** or woman
