I can’t tell you how many abuse victims I’ve spoken to where this happens. The victim’s family, friends or church take the side of the abuser in a separation, rather than standing by the victim.
This doesn’t make logical sense. Why would a person’s own family turn their back on a domestic violence victim, and side with the abuser? Why do churches tell the victim to “forgive and forget” and to take the abuser back, rather than holding the abuser accountable for his* actions?
The following is taken from my Domestic Violence Guide for Churches. Abusers are masters at disguising their thoughts and actions. They might be your next-door neighbor, your brother-in-law, or your best friend and you would never know it! Probably the only people who know it are their intimate partners and children. And the abuser has made sure their intimate partners and children won’t tell anyone through many abusive actions that make them too afraid to share what life at home is really like.
While the victim is too afraid to share what is happening, the manipulative abuser will slyly denigrate the victim to others when it suits him. He will tell others that she is “really trying, but can’t quite seem to treat me well,” or “She wants to be a good mother, but really, she can’t quite manage it.” He puts a lot of energy into lying to the victim’s friends, family and church. Then, if and when she tries to leave him, any person who might have been the victim’s source of support will side with the abuser not the victim.
Abusers are master manipulators. Just as Satan disguises himself as an angel of light, abusers are highly capable of deception and presenting a very different public face than their private face. To those outside their homes they appear to be:
- Good spouses
- Model parents
- Upstanding citizens
- Even leaders of the church, elders and pastors.
These people look so good on the outside they are often able to fool those around them into thinking their victim is causing all the trouble in their home, and that she is:
- A Liar
- An unsubmissive wife, and/or
- Crazy.
But why are they able to fool others?
No one would believe someone could be this evil. 
Tweet This
We all want to believe the outward appearance of a godly man loving his intimate partner and children, don’t we? There are many men who father children and never take any responsibility for them. When we see one who appears to be doing the right thing, we want to believe the outward appearance.
But God doesn’t look at the outward appearance, and neither should we. The Bible has a lot to say about people who disguise themselves in this way, but we must search the Bible for them. For example, 1 Samuel 16:7 says:
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at.
People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” Tweet This
A DV victim can point to some of these bible verses when she tries to get support from others who often don’t believe her. She can share that Jesus himself warns us about abusive people in Matthew 7:15:
“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.”
Why do wolves dress up like sheep? So they can eat the sheep! These abusers have been dressing like sheep and have been eating their victims in our own homes and pews for years, and we haven’t realized it. Why not? What do wolves dressed like sheep look like? They look like sheep! In other words,
They look just like us.[i]
But, were you to implant a nanny cam in their home you would be shocked to see him committing[ii]:
-
Verbal Abuse – He criticizes the appearance, actions and thoughts of the victim, often calling her obscene names in front of their children.
-
Emotional Abuse – He robs her of sleep, waking her in the middle of night, or will keep the children up very late. When he is in a rage, he might scream at her all night long. He will monitor everything she does, her phone calls, her car mileage, her computer usage, how much money she spends, where she goes and whom she sees. He will tell her what to wear and to whom she is allowed to speak. He will keep her from her friends and family so that she has no one to help her if she should decide to leave, or turn them against her so they refuse to help her. He threatens her with weapons, and threatens to harm her pets or children. He may also give her the silent treatment, refusing to acknowledge she exists. He may be very neglectful, and refuse to help her with anything about their home, children or life.
-
Psychological Abuse – He will try to make her think she is going crazy. He will move an item that is important to her, and then help her “find” it. He will make promises to her; then deny ever having the conversation. Later, when she begins to doubt her own perceptions, he will call her crazy, or seem concerned about her mental health.
-
Financial Abuse – No matter how much money they have, he will keep her in poverty. She is put on an allowance, or must beg for money to feed the children, even if she works. Meanwhile, he buys anything he wants for himself, like TVs and new cars. He may refuse to work, whether in the home, or to bring finances into the family.
-
Medical Abuse – He will prohibit her and the children from seeking medical care, saying they “can’t afford it,” but go to the doctor himself for the smallest bump.
-
Sexual Abuse – He will demand sex, even when she is ill, even raping her. He will call her sexual names, force her to watch pornography, and refuse to use birth control. He will have affairs and give her sexually transmitted diseases.
-
Spiritual Abuse – He will use the Bible to inflict guilt or gain control over her. He will claim to be her God, to be all-powerful and all-knowing, and require her to bow to his wishes over God’s.
Of course, every abuser will not do every one of these actions. But these are typical. Please notice that I did not list physical abuse here. If he can keep her in line, (make her do whatever he wants), without resorting to physical abuse, he will. If she refuses to do something he wants her to do, he may resort to physical violence at any time, without any warning. She is aware he could do this, and is fearful that he might.
There are many incorrect beliefs (“myths”) about why an abuser will abuse. Friends, family and churches often believe these myths, which leads them to feel sorry for the abuser and disbelieve the victim. Here are a few:
- He can’t control his behavior.
- He doesn’t know how to handle his feelings.
- He was abused as a child, and this is the only way he knows how to behave.
- He has poor communication skills.
- He has low self-esteem.
- He hates women.
- He is mentally ill.
- He doesn’t understand the bible; he isn’t a believer in Christ.
- We are all sinners in need of forgiveness. He is no different than the rest of us.
- He is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.[iii]
However, while drugs and alcohol can make his behaviors worse, they are not the cause of his abuse. Most abusers only abuse their intimate partners and children, and have complete control over when and why they behave abusively. They rarely lose control of themselves in other social situations, and usually look great to their bosses, friends, and pastors. They usually treat other women wonderfully. In fact, the only time they are abusive is at home. Why is that?
In his mind, an abuser abuses his victim because:
- He likes being in control
- He has convinced himself it is OK to behave this way
- He gets what he wants by this behavior.
He has a great feeling of entitlement, and feels he has a special status no one else in the family does. In his mind, he has the right to:
- Physical, emotional and sexual caretaking
- Deference (“Everyone should respect me, but I owe no one else any respect.”)
- Freedom from accountability (“No one should question my actions.”)
I pray more people will be willing to learn about these sheep in wolves’ clothing. One of my greatest goals in blogging and writing books is to help educate the general population, the family court system and the Christian church about domestic violence. I believe that if more people understood the manipulative tactics of an abuser, more victims would receive the support they deserve, helping them stand up to their abusers. This would mean fewer children being raised in abusive homes, and less domestic violence in coming generations.
I created my Domestic Violence Guide for Churches to help the church learn about domestic violence. This resource includes a written guide and two PowerPoint videos. The first video describes the dynamics of abuse, and explains how abusers are adept at twisting scripture to keep their victims in bondage.
The second video prepares church leaders to deal with domestic violence in their churches. It begins by helping churches think through ways they can become a safe haven for abuse victims, so that victims will feel comfortable coming to them for help. This includes things like talking about DV from the pulpit, training a DV advocate for the church, and having books and materials about DV around the church. It also describes what to do when a victim comes forward and how to deal with the abuser.
The DV Guide for Churches sells for $29.99. If this is a hardship for you, please contact me via my contact form, and we can discuss a lower price.
Question: Have you ever experienced your friends, family or church siding with your abuser over you? If you feel comfortable, please share what happened.
Let’s pray. Dear Lord, please open the eyes of the general public. Help many become educated about domestic violence so they can support and help DV victims. I pray we will have less DV in coming generations. Amen
May God bless you all today,
Caroline
*Abusers can be male or female, and so can their victims. In this blog, I portray the abuser as male.
[i] Jeff Crippen and Anna Wood, A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in Your Church (United States: Calvary Press Publishing, 2012), 41.
[ii] The State of New Hampshire Governor’s Commission on Domestic and Sexual Violence and Attorney General’s Office of Faith Communities, 30-31.
[iii] Caroline Abbott, Debbie Stafford, A Journey through Emotional Abuse: from Bondage to Freedom (Franklin TN: Carpenter’s Son Publishing, 2013) 26.
I understand that this is written from a womans point of view but it is imperative to remember that the ‘qualities’ of an abuser, know no gender boundaries. I am a survivor of abuse. Mental, emotional and physical. As a man, there is a certain stigma that goes along with being an abused spouse. I gave up trying to explain it because if you’ve never heard how ‘you’re supposed to be the strong one’ or ‘you’re the husband, need to take control’… you’ll never understand. You’ll never understand how denigrating it is to read things like this, knowing that 99% of them are geared towards the man being the abuser. Yes, men get a bad wrap because of the douche bags that perpetrate evil against women. Yes, many times the victim never reports it because of Stockholm Syndrome or because they’ve just been broken. How much less will a man, who is supposed to be the priest of his family, report abuse to anyone? Not all women are victims. Not all men are abusers.
I hear you man. Take a look at the Jodi Arias story. Classic example.
Dear Tater,
I am so saddened by all you have experienced – first of all the abuse, and second of all the reaction of others. I am sorry that this blog caused you additional pain. Yes, I am a woman, and I write primarily for women. I am careful to always include “*Abusers can be male or female, and so can their victims. In this blog, I portray the abuser as male,” in all my blogs. So, this was not written specifically for you, but I hope you can take the information and use it anyway. It sounds as if you definitely fit into the category of one who is devalued because you were the victim. That is the same no matter if you are a man or woman, sadly.
While I do not anyone else to go through this. I am not alone! I am a widow and people come to his defense. The man dragged me across the basement by the hair! He would walk around the house screaming, I am the head of the house You listen ti me. The other day his mom said it is monetary adultry what that one man did taking out money his wife didn’t know about, I said so when your son took out 40 grand of his 401K after I told him not to does that qualify. Well, silence, then well, my son he is not here but he this and he that. So many people just loved him and talk about the impact he had on their life. While the day he woke up from surgery he saw many doctors and nurses, Without me saying a word, he told them the same thing, My wife, my precious wife, the way I treated my precious wife. He would just cry. That was nice. The brain tumor returned. I don’t know how long it was there How much of it controlled his behavior, I just know my internet was monitored, I was not on the mortgage, he was abusive, sometimes I was abusive back and when he died he left a big mess
I am so saddened by all you suffered. The fact that others saw only the side of him he wanted them to see is just salt on the wound. Please know you are not alone.
Nice job of explaining, Tater.
Caroline, are you aware that what you are describing is called Narcissistic Abuse, at the hand of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Have you read M Scott Peck’s ‘People of the Lie’? If not, you’d love it.
“Evil originates not in the absence of guilt, but in the effort to escape it.”
And so it goes with people who project their sins to scape uncomfortable emotions regarding accountability.
I haven’t read the book but it does sound interesting. Thank you
I would love you to share this with your church. Educating the church is my passion.
I am saddened that you, like me, were not supported by your church. I hope you are finding healing now. Blessings, Caroline
Great article, I learned a lot of new things
I am so glad this was helpful!
I was not married but I was in a serious relationship with a man that resulted in him being an extreme Narcissist Abuser. The emotional abuse was intense. He also cheated on me with my twin sister. Who he is now married to. I have many siblings, 11 to be exact. Most of them know the situation a few don’t. Only 2 have sided with me in believing what kind of man he is and caring that he actually hurt me. The rest have either told me I need to be a Christian and forgive, get over it, stop playing the victim, and that I was not abused it was just that we were toxic together, and my favorite that I am just jealous that he chose her over me and I am just making up a story. I am happily married and have a beautiful family now. I do not fight with my twin and my ex, I simply ignore them if we happen to be in the same place. That is all I have ever done in the context of a family get together. But they play victims well and my family has mostly left me behind. My Mother knows little and I have chosen not to talk to her about it because of the pain it would cause her. I struggle with hating my family. I imagined when I was going through the abuse and cheating my family being angry at them and helping me and sticking up for me. None of that has happened. Even the ones who believe me never stick up for me, since they want to keep the peace.
Wow. That is really sad that your family treated you that way. They don’t sound like very emotionally safe people. I am encouraged that you did not marry this person and that you have found someone worthy to be with.
I am the adult child of an emotionally abusive mother. It took me a long time to accept the fact, and I have moments of doubt even now, but I had to accept the common wisdom that “if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it’s a duck”. My mother acts and talks like an abusive person (even though it’s always masked as “loving concern”) and never misses an opportunity to humiliate and/or degrade me in front of others and will purposefully do things I have asked her dozens of times not to do since they are embarrassing to me. There have been times when I have literally been suicidal after visiting with her. What you say here is true: she minimizes the pain and humiliation she causes me, she tells me I’m too sensitive and she talks to family and friends about how concerned she is about me because I get so upset. I finally have cut her out of my life and have no communication with her. I have told everyone that, when she admits she treats me wrong and takes responsibility for her actions and offers a sincere apology, then I will re-open the lines of communication. Did I mention that her apologies actually make things worse? They are actually not so subtle ways of blaming me for the issue at hand rather than any true expression of remorse. Of course everyone says “but she’s your mother!” as if that gives her carte blanche to act as she does, and I have pretty much given up trying to explain to people how she is, since she puts on a great show of being a wonderful person. Well, that’s it. I pray for her every day and ask the Lord to somehow help us have some kind of relationship, and it will truly be a miracle when it happens.
Wow. Sounds like you made a wise choice to cut her from your life. You don’t need to explain this to anyone. You have made the decision that you are worth more than this. Good job.
After 25 years of emotional, physical, and sexul abuse, I finally left my abusive husband! Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how he had manipulated his family and many of my family members into beleiving it was ALL me. He was so smart! I have a family member who was diagnosed with Bi-polar, so when he suspected that I was going to leave him, he told these individuals that I was Bi-ppolar, too! Naturally, these individuals didn’t beleive me. Who beleives soomeone with a mental illness? Also, I think most people beleive the “first thing they hear”! That’s how the human brain works. Needless to say, my ex also manipulated our children… Abusers, Narcissists or what ever you want to call them, are soooo very clever; definitely wolves in sheep clothing!
Yes, you are right that people will believe what they first hear. Abusers will often do what your husband did. They need to look good to others. So sorry you experienced this. But glad you are free now!
It’s sad that you’ve lost a lot of who you thought were your friends at the moment. However, forgive them as they don’t know what they do. They don’t mean in personally, they just don’t understand the truth. But you do – so hold yourself high and look forward to all the beautiful people you are going to meet, because where you’re going is much more awakened and advanced than where you have been.. I promise you. Good luck.
My parents are masters of verbal, emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse. It was so masterfully done, that while I felt hopeless and deeply sad, I didn’t realize the extent until I became an adult and moved out. They tried to continue their control even after I left the house. Relentlessly. Interestingly, I have a brother who they raised completely different. No matter what he does in life, he is always excused and always the model citizen. They hold him up with pride to all who will listen. For me, I have been separated from my own family. Growing up, I was never encouraged to be close to my aunts or uncles or cousins. All contact was moderated through my parents and them alone. I was often told my family on my dad’s side wasn’t _really_ my family at all, by my mother, who only counts her side as being worthy. I was carefully and systematically isolated. Now, I have heard from others who got close to my family and who have approached to say how happy they are that I was able to get free, and how upsetting it was for them to see how I was treated. The only family member I have who believes the truth and has reached out to be supportive is my mom’s oldest brother, who is appalled by her behavior and knows her well enough to know what’s really happening. It’s a sad testimony, as he is not a believer, while my immediate family IS. They strive to be perceived as the pinnacle of holiness and righteousness. My brother is a music minister in a congregation. He and his wife have chosen to side with my parents because a) he knew them quite differently – they treat him the opposite of how they treat me and b) my parents, my mother especially, are intensely aggressive and relentless and it would mean he’d become a target of that if he took my side. When I have stood up for myself and called out their gaslighting and manipulation and control issues, I am rebuffed with mis-quoted scripture. Every thing they do is justified by a verse. To clarify. I have never been in trouble. I was the nerdy kid growing up. I always did everything I could to try and please them, an to live a godly life, following the Lord. Nothing was ever good enough. The only way to quell the abuse is to toe the line. Dress how they wish. Like only what they like. Speak only what they speak. Do everything they ask. I am a forty-three year old married woman who’s parents think they have more biblical authority of me than my husband, which is completely heretical. But they find ways to twist scripture to justify that as well. It has been an agonizing experience. The only bright spot is God. God saved me from ending up badly. Many girls, and women, who experience what have end up in a bad place. Rebelling or destroyed emotionally to the point of not being able to recognize what love is. God saved me from that in always showing me His love. Real love I could look to. He brought me my husband, the second greatest blessing of my life, second only to my salvation. The same man my parents were going to disown me over, because marrying a guy from Mexico is, and I quote, “The same as marrying a woman. It’s wrong.” Which, as with all things they have ever done, they deny ever happening. We have a beautiful daughter. It is all my husband can do not to tell my family all that he thinks of their behavior. He grew up in a very abusive home and figured out what was going on even before I could explain it to him. He has seen abuse before. His anger on my behalf reminds me of God is jealous of us, and has a righteous anger. I don’t need him to get into a confrontation for me. Just knowing his heart gives me hope and strength. I have started to untangle reality at last these last few years. They had me questioning my sanity and the very nature of my existence. I couldn’t think without obsessing on what they would do, say, on any thought or action in my life. They put themselves into a position where they superseded God for me. Thank you for providing books and guides for churches to assist with this. I think it’s more common than not, especially in Christian circles where the appearance of righteousness is so important to many, to simply take the route that will make you and your family look better in the eyes of your peers without addressing deep issues in the family that would require repentance and admission of problems others would find out about. And sadly, that route is often scapegoating the victim to preserve perceived family reputation.
Sadly, I have known many “christian” families that have treated their kids this way. Interestingly, they often choose one to be the golden child and one to be the brunt of all their evil. This is actually common with narcissists. You might like to read my second book where I describe this phenomenon, and make suggestions on how to deal with it.
In the meantime, I am glad you married well, and have separated yourself from them, though it is difficult. Blessings to you. Caroline
I will take a look. It’s in the book section?
Thank you for such a quick reply on a relatively old post. Honestly, I thought it would likely just be a cathartic release writing my comment and would not necessarily be noticed. Definitely would have used spell check and paragraph breaks if I knew it would be noticed.
Any comment comes to my email, no matter how old the post is : ). Yes, it is in my book section, A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse. While the book focuses on abuse from an intimate partner, I believe the majority of the book would be applicable to your situation as well. I recommend counseling for anyone who has been abused. I am a counselor, let me know if you might be interested in meeting with me.
Blessings, Caroline
Thank you Thirteen years with a man that crushed my self estemm and almost my spirit.
Filed for divorce twice. When I finally went through with it, I made the decision not to fight with him over money, which was the ONLY thing he THOUGHT he could control me with.
One year later, I’m doing much better most days. Still soMe days of sadness,anger and confusion about how vicious he was when he realized I was done.
It leaves me knowing his entire persona was/is a sham.
Grateful to be gone and looking forward to the continued healing of my soul.
God is good. I have no doubt He saved me. I pray I will live the remainder of my life fulfilling His plan for me. I know it MUST be good because He truly loves me.
Yes, God is good. While he didn’t prevent our abuse, he never abandoned us in it, and gave us the strength to leave. Blessings to you.
I recently came across this article and can relate so much to it. After experiencing DV due to my husband’s drug addiction (which led him into a drug induced psychosis when the DV happened) his family has labelled me as the one with the issue. I’m angry and if i wasn’t it would not have happened and he would not be in addiction (even though he has struggled with addiction since 11 years old). This happened after he was arrested and had to face consequences for his actions. His family shared everything with our pastor that made themselves look good and denied any of their negative actions as well. I live a long distance from family and have lost a lot of friends along the way due to supporting my husband through his addiction. My self esteem is non-existent due to the constant negativity spoken towards me… I have never been good enough. He should have never married me. I don’t keep my house clean enough. I don’t cook good enough food. I’m overweight. And the list continues. When I set boundaries with his family they see this as a negative thing and I am just trying to keep him and the kids from the family. My husband has been in treatment for the last three months and we have not been able to speak due to his no bail release order and has only had the negative influence/beliefs of his family. While I believe everyone can make changes in their lives for the better, it also takes family and friends to stop the enabling behavior. I am grateful for a couple of friends who have cared for me and the kids and supported and prayed for us. I live in a smaller community and all of this has impacted our day to day lives as well as my professional life. I know God can still do great things for our family but the healing journey is not going to be easy.
Hi Christy, thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine the pain you’ve experienced. I am sorry many around you have not been there for you. You might find some clarity and healing through my books, and other blogs. Bless you, Caroline
AFTER SIDING WITH MY HUSBAND OF 65 YEARS OF ABUSE, MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER CAME TO HELP ME AFTER LUMBAR SURGERY, HOWEVER, I ASKED HER TO LEAVE AS SHE SAID TO STOP HARRASSING MY HUSBAND AFTER HE SCREAMED AT ME WHEN I ASKED HIM NOT TO NOT PICK UP A LARGE RUG AFTER HE HAD STEM CELL PROCEDRUE, HIS EYES NEARLY POPPED OUT OF HIS HEAD, LITERALLY. I ASKED HER TO EXPLAIN HER ACTIONS, AND SHE SAID IT IS NOT HER PROBLEM.
That must have been so frustrating that your daughter acted that way
I would add to be careful who you trust when you plan to leave. Family, friends and church may betray confidences in a misguided effort to “help” save your marriage. Abusers can be very good actors. My husband had been calling people, pouring out his caring and telling them how afraid he was that I was depressed, might harm myself, nonsense. A friend of more than 20 years stared me in my face and told me I didn’t understand how much he loved and worried about me.
I had to flee this creep while he was away on business. The neighbors saw my rental truck and rushed over to protect me as he had asked them to. I had a slew of idiots in my ysrd insisting I needed to calm down, was not thinking clearly and trying to yank my boxes out of my hands. When I called the police to get rid of them they tried to convince the officer he needed to put me in a mental health hold until my husband could get back and protect me! They saw me go to work every day and support my family but he still managed to sucker them.
This man tracked me down to my new address and almost killed me. It took almost dying for other people to finally believe me. Abusers are good liars. I advise everyone to keep a diary of incidents and trust domestic violence orgs over friends. They think they are heroes helping you, especially if their church hates divorce. You cannot be too paranoid. Too many battered partners found that out in the last seconds of their life.
Wow. What a horrible story. So sorry you had to go through all that and that the people around you were able to be fooled. So glad you are free and safe.
So much of this sounds familiar! Thank you for writing it out so clearly too. I’m in the process of separating from my abusive husband. The typical is true for him – looks great outside, it’s not great inside. Now that the truth is coming out, he still tries to be the good person by accepting that he did wrong, repenting and being dramatically broken over it and sooo willing to change. While I believe that God has the power to change a narcissist if the narcissist wants to change, I’m also very cautious and not jumping back into rebuilding an intimate relationship with someone who has done all that to me. Of course, his parents (who know what’s happened from me) now side with him, because he is so broken and wants to work on our marriage. They are upset with me that I am not willing to make steps back towards him, because it’s a two way thing. I only told them I can’t do that because it doesn’t feel safe for me or the kids to just go ahead and do that. He broke my trust in many areas. But they also try to minimize what happened, because I must be emotional and exaggerating. The like to stand on some Bible passages to make me do what’s biblically right, but they don’t like looking at many other passages that confront their son’s behavior. I’m preparing for how to handle everything. Please pray, we currently live in their basement apartment. Our home is overseas and we are visiting for a few months (that has other reasons, but counseling is one of them).
So sorry you are going through all this. These 2 links might be helpful as well:
https://carolineabbott.com/bible-verses-about-domestic-violence/
https://carolineabbott.com/2015/11/advice-to-a-repentant-abuser/
I too had an abusive mother, & 2 ex’s. 12 years apart. The last one was a preacher. Many people have written very similar incidents – I am sorry for those people who have gone through this. It’s difficult- I lost my children to parental alienation. He passed a year ago January. He’s great, but I’ve been treated as if I don’t exist. They saw how he abused me, took them to another state where he was having an affair & I wasn’t allowed to see them. He told them I didn’t have time for them & I was too busy with other men. ( projecting) what he was doing. Now that we’re all damaged by all this & have barely if any relationship with our children, what do we do next? It’s like festering wounds, & amputation won’t help when your destroyed inside.
Wow. I am so sorry for what you and your kids have experienced. Are you with your kids now?
Not really- I keep trying but everything I do is criticized. Their father kept them from me for a year after taking them from Colorado to ms. Where he was having an affair. He grew up with the judge there. They were 4 & 1 yrs at the time. Even was told I had to stay in ms to have a relationship with them. I taught at a college & had a business. In Colorado Plus proof of what he did, I thought I could take them back home. I lost everything. Including them. He made them hate me. Since he passed a year ago they are dad this dad that. Never mind he destroyed my life. But I am a loser in their eyes. 28 years it seems for nothing. The good ole boy way is alive & well in ms. That somehow I deserved everything. All I did was work & take care of them. Only to be done over. Thank you for asking 💕
Wow, again, I am so sorry. Being made out as a villain to your kids has got to be one of the hardest things in the world. Agonizing. I hope you have a good support system around you, (and hopefully a counselor https://carolineabbott.com/counseling/ ) people that can uphold you as you go through this. I pray that over time, as you remain steady and loving, your children will begin to see the truth, and will come back into relationship with you.
I was emotionally, psychologically and financially abused for many years by my husband. I’ve lost all of our mutual friends from church (All but one couple) post our divorce and it’s left me with so much hurt and pain. They never said they had sided with him but just withdrew themselves from me through the time of the divorce and after. I don’t think they believe my reasons for divorcing because they have such a limited abuse of what domestic violence is – and the church in my opinion doesn’t address this subject at all, or educate people about it and how it might manifest.
I am so sorry for all you’ve experienced from people who should be loving and caring. I had a similar experience, that is why I decided to write my first book. Also, educating churches is a passion of mine. That is why I created the DV guide for churches. I hope you will find a church community that will love and serve you. Caroline
This really hits home for me. Court systems, Judges, Churches, Attorneys and more, need to have the knowledge and be made aware of these type of abusers. They are sociopathic and narcissistic and they will destroy you and try to take your children, along with your family, friends and anyone who might be of support to you. These abusers can blend into any social group setting, whomever at that times meets their needs. They walk amongst us as human chameleons and before the victim figures things out, it’s normally too late. I had to fight my battles alone, I had no one and it took years of being destroyed and losing my youngest son, before he ever stopped. Law enforcement did nothing to help, always calling it civil, courts and attorneys only help if your someone who has the money. The more I fought back, the worse it got, until finally I felt the only way to put an end to it was to kill myself. God didn’t take me that night and I had to find the strength to keep going. I would love to be able to help other women who are going through this and make a difference. I would love to be part of what changes can be made with our court system. To make more people aware and talk about my experience.
Wow, what a horrible experience you’ve had. I am so glad that God intervened. In my area (Denver) there was a domestic violence crisis center that allowed me to train as a DV advocate even though I didn’t plan to work for them. I later helped others at different churches, wrote 2 books about DV for Christians and then decided to become a counselor. Half of my clients have experienced abuse. There are many ways you can help others.