How can an abuse victim know when it is safe to reconcile with her* seemingly repentant abuser? The average number of times an abuse victim will return to her abuser is 7. If after she leaves, a victim returns to her abuser 6 times, then leaves again, this implies her abuser wasn’t really repentant, (i.e. ready to make real changes).
There are many reasons an abuse victim might return to her abuser:
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She fears for her life because he has threatened her
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She has no income, or place to live once she leaves
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She may have a low self-esteem, due to the abuse she has experienced
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She may love and miss her abuser.
This is a time to lean on others. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says:
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Your local women’s crisis center can help you stay strong when your self-esteem is low, and you feel lonely and scared. They can also help you with safety planning and finding a new place to live, as well as finding a (new) job and getting financial help for you and your children. In addition, your family and your church may be able to help you now. This is not a time to be proud—seek the help of others.
If you are a Christian, you might return because you receive no support from the Christian community. Many Christians look down on divorced people. What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? I encourage you to look for other women in your same circumstances, and most likely, you will find some. Ask your church or your local women’s crisis center to introduce you to other Christian women who have recently left abusers, or to recommend support groups for Christian women. You can also read my book, A Journey through Emotional Abuse: from Bondage to Freedom, where I discuss this at length.
It may be that the above are not the reason a victim returns. It may be that:
The victim believes her abuser has changed, and is no longer abusive.
Very few abusers will make significant changes in their behavior. Yet, it does sometimes happen. So, how can a victim discern whether her abuser has made the changes he needs to make before she returns to him?
Beware of Empty Promises
After you leave your abuser, he will probably try to get you to come back. He will most likely go into the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle. This phase is also called the “hearts and flowers” stage. He might bring you flowers or other gifts. He will probably tell you he loves you, he is sorry for the abuse, and he will “never do it again.” These aren’t signs he has changed however.
If you are a Christian, he might tell you he has recently accepted Christ. If your husband has recently come to accept Jesus as his Savior and Lord, this will be a big help to him as he makes the difficult changes he will need to make in his life, but it does not mean he will no longer abuse you.
If your abuser is in a honeymoon stage, he has not had a true realization that he has been treating you abusively. 
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Emotional abuse will not disappear overnight. In order to stop this habit, your abuser will have to commit to some serious, difficult work over a long period of time. He will need to realize, remember, and admit to what he has done in the past. He will have to recognize and have empathy for what you have endured. He will need to understand what is causing him to behave this way, and make a serious commitment to ending those behaviors. You will both find this process difficult.
If your abuser truly realizes he has sinned by emotionally abusing you, he will freely confess it to others and renounce his former behavior. In addition, you should notice him seeking help on his own to correct this problem. He might be:
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reading books about emotional abuse,
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seeking accountability partners,
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and/or meeting weekly with a counselor who is trained to deal with abusers.
One thing you should insist on is that he enrolls in a group treatment program for abusers. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224) for information about programs in your area; many cities have treatment programs for abusers.
Group abuse treatment programs are unlike any other type of counseling he might receive. Your abuser will be assigned to the program for a set period of time depending on how he has treated you in the past. The time period may be at least nine months. The treatment provider will be trained to deal with abusers, and will usually be able to see through lies he may try to tell about his current or past behaviors.
What are the chances for true reconciliation?
Given the circumstances that led you to leave your abuser, chances are slim he will truly change enough to eliminate abuse in your home in the future. However, in some cases, the two of you together can accomplish reconciliation through the Lord, as it says in Luke 1:37:
For nothing is impossible with God.
In her book Keeping the Faith, Marie Fortune writes,
“Reconciliation is possible if he is willing to get help and stop his violent behavior. In this case, once you see real evidence over a long period of time of real change in him, of true repentance, then you may choose to consider reconciliation. Or you may not. You may feel the damage is too deep between you. In this case, you need not feel guilty. But if you and he do seek to come back together, you will need to consider this a new covenant between you in which you are both really clear that no violence, under any circumstance, will be tolerated. In this case, with God’s help, your broken relationship may be healed.”**
Before returning to your abuser, please make sure you are completely at peace with the Lord in the decision. As Philippians 4:7 says:
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
You know your abuser better than anyone. Is he apt to promise things he doesn’t mean? Is he very good at convincing others outside your family he means well, and has changed? Do you believe he has truly completely changed? Also, please make sure you have the counsel of many who understand the dynamics of domestic violence. The best person to judge if he has completely changed will be the group leader of his abuse treatment program. If he and others are still afraid for your safety, please wait for a longer period of time before taking this step.
Keep in mind, if you return to your abuser the courts might be less likely to support you in the future. Even though many victims return to their abusers more than once, then leave again; judges may view your future claims of abuse as suspect if you should ask for a restraining order.
Question: How many times have you returned to your abuser? What prompted your return?
Lets pray.
Lord, I pray you will help victims of abuse discern whether it is wise to return to their abusers. Give them strength please Lord. Amen
* Note: I use “she” to portray the victim, and “he” to portray the abuser. The same principles apply if the abuser is “she” or the participants are of the same sex.
**Marie Fortune, Keeping the Faith: Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse, 39.
Thank you.
You are very welcome!
Thank you for the read. My situation – of course there’s context however, I had my husband arrested for putting a pillow over my face and holding me down. I’m willing to get marriage counseling however he says he can’t trust me and is unwilling to live with me. How is that? And what should that say to me?
Dear Friend,
Good for you for calling in the police! What he did was extremely dangerous. Many DV victims are killed in this way. I do not recommend you do marriage counseling with this person. Please check out this blog: https://carolineabbott.com/2012/09/my-experience-with-marriage-counseling/
Doing marriage counseling with an abuser can put the victim in extreme danger. If he says he cannot trust YOU, this says a lot about his unwillingness to look at what he is doing. He tried to smother YOU and he is making your reasonable response all about HIM. Not a good sign. Also, not at all what you would want to see if you were considering reconciling with him, as I explain in this blog. Please be careful. If you would like me to walk through this with you, please friend me on Facebook. There is a Social Media link on my home page. Blessings to you, Caroline
I think it’s very odd that your husband would make statements to the effect that he is unable to trust you. Has he admitted to doing the things you said he did, and if so, why? Most men do not behave in a manner like that, unless they’ve been significantly provoked in some way. If my spouse called the police on me for anything, I wouldn’t be able to trust her, either.
Chris, My husband did the same thing to me. Research malignant narcissism and what causes it and narcissistic abuse. I had no idea this existed years ago, but I ended up living it for over 20 years and it got worse as the years went by. The straw that broke the camel’s back was last year when my husband asked me to go target practice with the wrong demeanor. Other things occurred as well and I ended up getting a protection order granted. He subsequently told other people that he didn’t feel safe around me! He changed the combo on the gun safe three years ago. (And I almost never use it.) Well, if he didn’t feel safe with me, then why did he ask me to go target practice? I had a complete meltdown for weeks, was in ER 10 times (even my bloodwork was off from so much stress for so long). I tried so hard for so long to make things good for our kids and endured his mean, belittling, demeaning, blaming, manipulative treatment. Right after the PO, our 20 year old daughter looked right at me and said, “He abused you mom.” For years I had anxiety and it progressed into (diagnosed) panic disorder and PTSD. My fight or flight response was on autopilot and overdrive at the same time. It was beyond horrible to deal with. There was a few days were I was fine with dying to get relief from the symptoms. The doctors weren’t a lot of help and they pushed me to take the meds they prescribed, Paxil was one, when I was telling them the side effects were severe. I’m better now, tincture of time, but I’m still dealing with this man I’ve known for 30 years who is in serious denial and shows no remorse or regret or acknowledgement of his worst offenses. There’s a lot more, but suffice to say nearly everyone I’ve talked to knows or is dealing with similar struggles to varying degrees in their lives. We tried to reconile for several months and he went back to his old ways, so I went mostly no contact. Now, I’m afraid to make a move one way or another. …Waiting for God to be the guide.
I am saddened that you had to experience so much. At the same time I am happy you are now taking steps to protect yourself and your kids. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Bless you, Caroline
Thank you Caroline. I sure wish I had a crystal ball so I could know how all this is going to turn out. I just keep praying that it will turn out well for everyone and that everyone enduring all forms of abuse will be led to safety, comforted and completely healed…body and mind.
Amen!
I have an 8 yr marriage and been with my wife for 21 yrs. May of last year I physically abused her, I snapped and lost it. I’ve never done this before, and she left me because of it. I’m so sorry for my actions and I have no excuse for what I did. I see now that I was a point of blowing up and told her how I felt, however I thought I was going to leave or something like that. She’s hurt and angry at me understandably and says she can’t come back because it’s not okay what happened and that she is angry with me for making her leave because she loves me and she could handle and endure anything else but that. I believe our love for each other is really strong and we may be able to reconcile once she truly forgives me. If she does. I also know it will time for that to happen I understand her and trying my best to leave her be, but I’m having my own difficulties. Any suggestions on how I can rebuild her trust in me that I broke by my own hand?
Sincerely,
Ruben J Sanchez
Hello Ruben,
Thank you so much for commenting. I am pleased that you seem to understand the gravity of what you have done. This might not have happened if your wife had not had the good sense to leave when you hurt her. So, even though this is a painful time, it is probably necessary for you both. I have written an article about just this topic. Here is the link: https://carolineabbott.com/2015/11/advice-to-a-repentant-abuser/ . I hope you find it helpful. If you would like to contact me as you go through this process, you can friend me on Facebook, and I will be happy to assist you if possible. Blessings to you.
My husband has been emotionally abusive towards me off and on for 21 years of our marriage. back in 2014 he did push me and I hit my head and blacked out. He was under the influence of alcohol and drugs at the time. He promised never to do anything like that again he stopped his substance abuse for a while and we had a good cycle for about six months. After that he lost his very good 15yr job due to failing a drug test. The job that he lost sustained our home and our family. After that I got two jobs and I’m going back to school. I found out that he was arrested in 2016 for possession. after which he started back drinking and getting high again. Once he knew I found out, basically he committed to continue that behavior. As a result he has become increasingly more disconnected with the family staying out all night staying away for days at a time and hours of unexplained time. When asked he says it’s none of my business what he’s doing. He continues to drink and get high he’s gone through thousands of dollars of our pension money and he recently became verbally abusive to our chronically ill child. Snd constantly threatens to leave us and sell our home. As a result of that and all the emotional abuse and threats I have put a restraining order out on him. We are going back for the 2-year permanent order and I have had struggles within myself regarding if I should follow through with this. He has not physically hit me at this time but he owns guns snd he is very selfish very self-centered. EVerything is about him all the pain that we’re going through is about him, so he doesn’t seem to understand what he’s doing to everyone else around him. I know that he is sick. I know he needs help. But I don’t not know if we can survive the separation. Financially I can manage for a while maybe a few years without him. And I’m sure I’ll be fine as I go forward but I am having struggles right now.
Hello, thanks for your comment. In this blog I give what I think are good steps to insist on if a person is considering reconciling with an abuser. One is going willingly to group counseling for DV offenders. Another is remarkable change over a long period of time. It doesn’t seem like your husband is doing either of these.
I can fully understand needing financial support. Can I ask you if he was giving this support to your household before, or is he just using up whatever money you do have in his drug habit? If that is the case, I am not sure how going back to him would help in any way, financially or emotionally. What do you think?
Good for you for getting two jobs and going back to school. There are many programs to help single moms. Many people are too embarrassed to use these programs. My thought is using the help for a short time while getting on your feet is not a sin. If you would like to friend me on Facebook, we could talk about this more.
Many blessings to you,
Caroline
Carol thank you for your reply it is very comforting to have a resource out there that addresses this issue specifically. I agree with you that he has decreased and his financial support since the loss of his job. The pension money was a lump sum payment that recently came and was supposed to be put aside for our retirement and our children’s education. However he has gone through over half of that money at this time. He did have one sober moment and I was able to sustain the other half of which I will use now to support myself and my children through this transition. We have three children one in college one on the way to college and one on her way to high school. You are absolutely right, I do believe financially I will be better on my own as a single parent with 3 children progressing through college and high school as well as myself in college. There are a lot of programs that I am recently finding out about that will help me financially sustain our family. We also have a small not-for-profit business that I am looking to gain support to continue on my own with the help of my children. You are absolutely right I believe that until my husband seeks help on his own without force and threat of losing everything, then until that time there really is nothing to talk about. And honestly I don’t know that he’s not already very happy about the decisions that have been made. I’m having some anxiety about the upcoming court case and just wanted to get some information and preparation in case he tries to come back into the home. At this point I’m not even sure about visitation for my children because of his drug and alcohol use. I will talk to the judge about that and present of course evidence for everything that we have gone through throughout these last several years. Emotional and Financial abuse are just as real and as hurtful if not more than physical abuse. The bruises have healed from the pushing but the heartache and the Heartbreak and the emotional damage that has been done to myself and to my children is very very hard to get through. The rejection the not understanding why he doesn’t want our family is very hard for all of us especially my girls. Thank you for taking the time to answer my post and I will friend you on Facebook. Is there a private group that I could be invited to?
It sounds like you are thinking this through very logically, which is great. When you do go to court, my advice is to focus on all the things he is doing besides abuse. Share that too, but don’t focus on it. Instead, discuss his drug use and lack of a job. This is because often judges sadly don’t take emotional abuse into consideration when deciding custody. You can check my blog tag called court system to read many articles about how to get the courts on your side.
Right now I don’t have a private group, though I’m thinking about starting one. We can chat via Facebook messenger.
I am proud of all the steps you are taking to make a good life for yourself. I look forward to talking with you more on Facebook.
May God bless you,
Caroline
Thanks again. It’s an OP hearing so visitation is all we are discussing. I have his record to show drug and alcohol use. His verbal abuse of our youngest also opened a DCFS case investigation. And there’s been physical abuse medical report so I’m pretty sure the judge won’t reverse his original order. I feel bad but I gave him do many chances to get him self back on track but when he started hurting our kid then it had to change. I’m still hopeful he will do the work for himself and our kids.
There are several caroline Abbott how do I know which one?
Sorry, I just noticed your last question! if you go to the first page of my website, there is a link for social media. Click on that, and then click on Facebook. Bless you!
Thank you for posting this article. I am unsure about my future with my long-time partner. The state has filed a no contact order. I don’t worry about my future but I do Wonder often about it. Soaking up as much good information as possible.
I am glad this was helpful. Bless you!
I thank you for writing this. There’s not many articles about marriage after abuse. My husband and i got into a fight a few months ago and he put his hands around my neck. Stupidly, i didn’t leave or call the police because i knew in my heart that i still wanted my marriage. He immediately cried and apologized, asking why i didn’t call the police.He hadn’t been himself lately and he was showing signs of depression so any physicality was not like him in the years that I’ve known him… He’s left and It seems that he is in denial and he’s even been fabricating the story to others, saying that i was kicking and punching him, to make it sound as if him putting his hands around my neck was self defense. He also began talking bad about me to everyone he knows. This is unlike him. I just don’t know what to do… Im four months pregnant and I’m still hopeful that God will turn things around.
If your husband has put his hands around your neck, this is called strangling and it is very serious physical abuse. Often, it is a sign the abuser is lethal. Also, it is very common for the abuser to begin abusing when the victim becomes pregnant. The idea that he will have to share her attention with a child is aberrant to him. It is not unusual for an abuser to make up stories about what the victim did. This is quite common. He does this to prevent others from wanting to help you. I recommend you call your nearest domestic violence crisis center for some advice and help.
Hello-
My wife and I have been married for 6 years and we have been together for about 10 years.
She asked for separation because of my verbal abuse. She has asked me to go counseling for last 15 months but guess it was my denial that didn’t get me to go there. Now I’m going counseling on a weekly basis. I’m committed to this and very much wanted to change. There are times where my wife would send me a link or article about reconciliation: chance is very slim on reconciliation – that puts me down and a negativity that I will not succeed.
I’m considering on getting more support. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated.
Hello,
It sounds like this is a difficult time for you both. I make several recommendations in this blog. Which of them are you willing to do? Caroline
My wife is leaving me after 19 years. While I have never hit her (and the same isn’t exactly true) my wife has identified herself as a victim of emotional abuse, while I viewed it as a power imbalance by a strong alpha male and she a very anxious person – and we could not handle earnest conflict. I argued over current issues, and her defense was discussing things from decades ago. In retrospect we have been through multiple honeymoon phases – she recently had me arrested for harrassment and violating an order (for verbal abuse), and we are divorcing. It was not my intent but I isolated her from her family over my dislike of her family’s non-Christian behaviors and exposing our kids to them (excessive alcohol, gender transformation, etc.)
I have been going extensively to counseling for these issues both with my pastor and with a professional secular counselor. She needs time and the kids have been sidebar to this. I truly want to heal and reconcile, and even legally separate for a while to do so. She has had enough and is divorcing. We’ll be bankrupt, and the kids are siding with mom due to to all the arguing and that they left with her and the emotional connection they have to her vs. myself.
Is there any way you can see to save my marriage that is now in the courts?
Hello. I can hear the pain you are feeling, and I am sad for all of you. I have addressed this before, and wrote a blog about it. Here it is: https://carolineabbott.com/2015/11/advice-to-a-repentant-abuser/ . I recommend you read it, and take time to let it sink in. May God bless you, your wife and your kids. Caroline
Hi, my husband started by bending my wrists, holding me down and and muzzling me with his hands. One day, he head butted me. The following month, the abuse escalated to head butting, pinching, shaking and finally muzzling and pinching my nose at the same time do I couldn’t breathe.
We separated. I have a PO. He is going to counseling, but I still don’t trust him. I do not know if my marriage is salvageable, or how to mend it. I miss him, but I’m afraid he’ll snap again and do something worse.
He thinks we are not our actions. I think we are our actions. Is there hope? Thank you.
The abuse you describe your husband doing is very serious physical abuse. I agree with you that we are our actions. Our actions reveal our thoughts. While it is of course possible for everyone to change, true change requires the person to be VERY motivated, and LOTS of time … I would suggest a full year when you see no sign of control or entitlement on his part. Be cautious and wise.
Thank you for your insight. I often second guess myself. Blessings to you and thanks for all the work you do for all of us.
You are very welcome. Stay safe.
Hi, I am in some need of some advice. My husband and I are currently separated, 4 months now. We have gone through immeasurable trials, together for 12 years. I have endured emotional, mental, spiritual and sexual abuse in which at one point I truly thought he was going to kill me. Of course, he always apologized and said he would never do it again. I believed him but after the 3rd episode of uncontrolled behavior and he was arrested, I built up a wall and it went downhill from there. He’s had very controlling behavior in the past years, checking GPS locations, phone bill, having the need to converse with me every morning before work, on my lunch break and on the ride home after work. I have been called out of my name and accused constantly of having intimate relations with others. I have never been unfaithful as my vows have meant everything to me. I am a God fearing woman. He’d question me for hours rewording the same question sometimes for days at a time. I’ve learned through counseling I was very codependent and so was he. For the first 3 months of our separation his behavior was out of control, demeaning me, saying he was tired of playing this game. Just recently, he’s seemed to have changed his tune. Not calling as much, saying he’s changed and I need to listen to what the Bible says (wife shall not separate from husband). He also recently asked when I’m coming back so we can work things out. However, he won’t get individual counseling only marriage counseling (seems like a red flag). I worked up the nerve about a month ago to tell him I won’t be coming back. I find myself missing him but then when I talk to him, I have almost instant anxiety. I know God can restore, I truthfully believe that. How do trust him? I don’t hate him. I just don’t know how to help him understand we may not reconcile. I have this roller coaster of emotions….
Hello. Great question. It is quite difficult to leave an abuser, especially when there is spiritual abuse involved. Abusers can pull on your heartstrings with comments about how you are disobeying God by leaving them. From the sounds of it, your husband has no real interest in changing. If you go back, you will get more of the same. You asked how you can get him to understand. The sad answer is you can’t. He won’t understand because he does not want to. I can list a few resources for you that might help you. Here are some articles on setting boundaries. https://carolineabbott.com/tag/boundaries/
Look through and read those articles that sound like they would be helpful to you. Also, both my books talk about how we set boundaries with people like this. https://carolineabbott.com/books-by-caroline-abbott/
If you need more, I am also a counselor and sometimes take clients long distance by VSee. If you are interested in doing some counseling, please respond to this and I will send you my email. Hope this was helpful. Blessings to you, Caroline
My husband was sexually abusive to me. He pushed and pushed to do sexual acts I wasn’t comfortable with. I would eventually cave in and the downward spiral of depression kicked in. My breaking point was when he asked if another man could come into our bed to have sex with him. He told me I could watch and pick out this ‘other’ man. When I refused and pointed out the great sin we would be committing, he said I shamed him. 2 weeks later, he asked for a divorce, blaming my depression.
Sometimes, what God asks us to do doesn’t make sense. Sometimes, the devil attacks and we think we are hearing from the Lord but it is really Satan. I am struggling with this now.
I no longer live with my husband and divorce papers have been drawn up. However, I have a burden to pray for him and for the reconciliation of our marriage. My family and friends think it is Satan and I don’t feel like I can trust myself to make the correct choice. Never ever would I consent to reconciliation until I have seen true repentance and followed the advise in this column and from my counselor. But why would God ask me to do this impossible thing?
Thank you for your comment.I am sorry you have been treated this way. I am a bit confused. What impossible thing do you think God is asking you to do?
Update:
Thank you Caroline for your honest advice years ago. You were right and if I could’ve saw myself as the victim of abuse that I was, then I would’ve saved myself of more trouble from chasing my abuser. He became worse and worse, turning everyone against me, while still using me in the process. It wasn’t until I was suicidal and went to counseling that i realised that who he had “become” was truly who he was and that the person who I thought he was, was not him at all. Things started to make sense once I began to see my situation as an abuser- victim situation, instead of being in denial and making excuses for him.
I made it through my pregnancy and have a healthy and happy baby boy who will be two next month! We divorced and he became engaged just months later. I have a parenting order that notes that I have been abused by my child’s father and I am thankful for the court acknowledging his ongoing verbal abuse, despite him painting me as the villain. My son and I are thriving, I am following my dreams now and am excited for the many blessings that God has in store for me.
Thank you so much for the update! I am so pleased you are doing well now. That is a huge praise! Bless you, Caroline