Hello! It has been some time since I’ve written. I usually write about abuse in intimate partner relationships. Today, I’d like to focus on what it is like to bump into a narcissist out in the general public.

My husband and I recently rented a private home to spend a few days at the beach with some of our kids who live far away. When we arrived at the house, it appeared really nice and well-kept. As the days passed, we began to notice things that were not right. The hair dryer didn’t work right. The remote for fans and overhead lights and the key pad to the garage didn’t work. The rattan chairs on the deck were literally falling apart, with pieces of the rattan breaking off every time we sat down. There was an exercise room, but every single piece of equipment didn’t work. There was a game table, but it was listing to the side, so we couldn’t use it. We thought, well, this isn’t so bad…and we continued on.

The kicker came 2 days in. We had been to the beach and had sandy towels to wash. When I went into the laundry room, the washer was full to the brim of sheets and towels that had been washed, then left to rot. The dryer was even more full of wrinkled sheets and towels. Ok, I’m a good person. I re-washed the items and when I went to dry them, I figured out the problem. The dryer didn’t dry. I ran it through 2 cycles, and the items never dried. I then took out most of the items, and tried drying 2 or 3 at a time, which took several hours. This didn’t work. Finally, I took all the wet towels and hung them all over the house so they would hopefully dry by the morning.

The Narcissist Rears Her Ugly Head

When it came time for us to leave, I gave the home an honest review that I thought was pretty generous given all we had to deal with. I then sent a private message to the homeowner letting her know all the things we found wrong with the house. As a homeowner that rents her place out, I would want to know if there were this many issues with my home. Here is where the narcissist reared her ugly head. I should have waited to send this until she rated us…my bad. She gave us a scathing review. She said we were not clean, were not trustworthy, and were bad communicators. Her review was 5 times worse than the one we gave her.

Then she started messaging us. She was incensed that we did not give her a 5 star review. She proceeded to tell me that they had rented the house to “hundreds” of people and had a perfect 5 start rating. It was obvious to her that I was the problem. She never addressed the dryer issue, or even apologized for the state of the home. In her mind, the only problem was me. She was furious that I waited until we left to let her know the problems we were having. She believed I should have told her WHILE we were there for her to come take care of the problems.

I attempted to be the bigger person. I apologized for not letting her know while we were there, saying it never dawned on me she might want to come fix all these things (which would have taken hours) while we were staying there. I was also thinking, but didn’t say, that I didn’t want a homeowner in the house I rented and in which I was having a family vacation. In my mind, these things should have been fixed BEFORE we arrived.

She just wouldn’t let it go

A day went by. Then she texted again, asking why I gave her 4 out of 5 stars for cleanliness. She said she was asking so that she could make sure her cleaning people were doing their job. I thought..ok, I’ll answer that. I mentioned the full washer and dryer. I asked why she gave us a low rating for cleanliness (we left the home cleaner than we found it). She never answered that one. She then asked, “How was the home not as described? Any items you mentioned could and should have been taken care of while you were on the property!”

By now I realized I was getting nowhere talking to this toxic person. My husband recommended (rightly) that I should stop talking to her. But something in me wanted to have her at least acknowledge something about her side of things..the state of the home and the horrible review she gave us. Against my better judgement, I mentioned it would be nice if she could apologize. I said maybe we should get the rental company to mediate this.

Well…a narcissist won’t ever apologize. Instead, she reiterated that she had “hundreds” of 5 star reviews, and she couldn’t understand why we didn’t give the property a five star review. In her mind, it was “ridiculous” that we complained about the “nine dollar hairdryer.” No acknowledgment about the dryer not working, chairs falling apart, being unable to enter the garage…the list was very long. At this point, I finally did myself the favor of not responding.

What I learned about myself

I was a bit surprised at how much this woman bothered me, and how difficult it was to stop interacting with her. Having been through an abusive marriage, and having been a counselor for many years, I cognitively understood what was happening. I know that trying to get a person like this to apologize is a hopeless endeavor. I have counseled many abuse survivors about this, and recommended they just stop interacting with their toxic exes and go no contact. Logically, yes, I understood. Emotionally, it was hard for me to allow someone so toxic to “win.”

This is one of the reasons I used to argue with my ex. I kept thinking that if I explained (how I was feeling, what my intentions were, etc.), he would understand and stop his abuse. It wasn’t until I fully realized I was never going to change him that I stopped trying during the marriage. When we divorced, and he would blast me with long emails telling me all the ways our divorce was my fault, and I was making stupid decisions for our children, I had to re-learn this. I guess this narcissistic homeowner was giving me my third round of education!

How can we detach from a narcissist?

I believe the first step is to accept that we will NEVER change a toxic person like this. This is easier said than done. As I found out from dealing with this woman, there is something in me (and in most of us) that just can’t tolerate the injustice of it all. We SO want them to acknowledge they are wrong. Unfortunately, getting stuck waiting for that to happen keeps us in a nasty, angry place. For the 3 nights I was talking with this woman, and the 2 after I stopped, I had trouble sleeping. I was unable to stop thinking about it long enough to completely relax and rest.

The second step is to do things that will make us feel better. As a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) therapist, I teach my clients distress tolerance skills. Distress tolerance skills might look like:

• Distractions – reading, watching TV,  hanging with a friend, going for a walk
• Self-soothing – listening to music, eating something yummy, wearing your softest sweatshirt, taking a hot bath
• Coping statements – saying things to yourself like, “I don’t like how I feel right now, but I’ve dealt with people like this before and I was able to handle it.”
• Self-affirmation statements – “I am struggling right now but I am still a good person.”

How I got over this

The first thing I did was to stop responding to this woman. To do this, I stopped looking at the text messages she was sending me. Whenever I found myself thinking about her, I would turn my mind to something else. I also said the following coping statement to myself over and over, “I am not going to change this woman, and continuing to engage with her is keeping me in a bad place. I can cope with my discomfort and do something else.” Then I did something else, like take a walk, read a book, take a bath. After a day or two, I was able to go the entire day without thinking about her. By the time I wrote this blog (a week later), I could think about it without the anger. It became just something that once happened to me.

Everyone will bump into a narcissist at some point in our lives. I hope my experience might help you the next time you do.

Many blessings to all of you!

Caroline