I have a treat for you today. Meet Debby Seguin. Debby is a survivor of emotional abuse, and a true THRIVER. Here is her story.
The Beginning
I met my ex at a New Years Eve bowling party with our church singles group in San Antonio on Dec 31, 1985. We dated and got married on August 16, 1986, (8 months later). Looking back, I see now that’s very fast.
I did not see any red flags but I didn’t really know what those looked like. My family lived in Illionois so I had no support system. He was a very organized person and I was a free spirit. I thought that was a GOOD thing, that we each brought pros and cons to the relationship and we could use those as a couple. But he was a very controlling person and I was a people pleaser, both of us bringing those coping strategies into adult life because of childhood trauma.
I think I was more aware of my coping strategies because I had lived an unusual childhood in foster care and then institutional care. At age 14 I was adopted and was thrown into a normal family with NO skills set for it. I left for college, ran out of money and joined the army. I ended up in San Antonio – bringing along my coping strategies and love for God and desire to please Him and everyone else.
The Abuse Begins
Once we were married, I lived with my husband’s criticism and anger for 22 years. I used fawning to try to please him. At about year 12, I was miraculously healed of childhood sexual abuse and it could have been a new start for us. I thought THAT was the Big Thing that was causing all the trouble. But within weeks, he began his same critical, angry, defensive responses to life all directed at me (until the kids got older and then it was also directed at them).
Lack of Support from the Church
I began reaching out to my church for help. It was awful. After all those years, they just kept coming back with “he is the spiritual head of your home, submit, what are YOU doing wrong?” blah blah. So awful. Such a SHOCK. But I kept trying. I just KNEW if they UNDERSTOOD what my ex was doing, they would intervene and tell HIM to stop! But they never did. I had no clue what patriarchy was or that I was steeped in it. The patriarchy wasn’t to the ILBP (Institute in Basic Life Principles) level but had all the same “umbrella of protection” lies and holding the wife accountable for everything. It was sickening. Somewhere in the next 10 years, I stopped going to church or reading the Bible or listening to Christian music.
A Switch Flipped – I Started Educating Myself
At year 22, an abuse situation happened that flipped a switch in me. I was like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. He had pushed me into a corner and I finally came out fighting. I began challenging him and I moved into another bedroom. He then began a cycle of love bombing, honeymoon, abuse. I typed in “domestic abuse” to my computer one day and that was when my journey of education and discovery began. There was not much of anything online about abuse at the time. I found a website called Out of the Fog, one of those original “forums” where people just posted stuff. It was eye opeing! I had thought I was the only one experiencing this.
I also found Cindy Burrell’s website Hurt By Love and Joseph Pote’ website called Redeemed (he comments and sometimes posts on the Life Saving Divorce group) and he was the first Christian man who explained biblically why it was “OK” to divorce, that it was God’s protection, etc. This was about 2009. Then I read Sam Powell’s article about “God Hates Divorce?” and I began to see that it was my spouse who was systematically sinning against me. I stopped only looking at me. In fact, I remember a day when ex said, (as he did every single time I brought up his behaviors), “Well you’re not perfect. You think you are Mary, mother of God? blah blah” and I said, “We are done looking at me, at what I may be doing wrong. Right now, we are ONLY looking at what YOU are doing that is hurtful and counterproductive.” That felt SO GOOD!! Then I found Natalie Hoffman’s Flying Free group and that was a game changer! I also read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Another game changer.
A Long Road Trying to Separate
I still had NO INTENTION of divorcing him! It was like I needed validation that what was happening to me WARRANTED divorce but actually DOING it? No. I just KNEW that God would work a miracle and that MY husband would be the exception, as most survivors do. I guess I was just going to hang on and wait for the change until…I couldn’t do it any more.
That time came in June of 2017 when our last child graduated from high school. Previous to this, I had separated from him for 9 months while living with friends nearby. We had recently reconciled, and he was supposedly trying to WIN ME BACK. My ex ruined the graduation party and humiliated me in front of everyone. So I moved into a 5th wheel. He asked if I would consider coming home on the weekends so I could “see how much he was changing” and I agreed because hey, a girl’s gotta do laundry! I slept in a separate room, did not do his laundry or much of anything around the house. I took care of my chickens and did my own laundry and saw my sons and cooked sometimes. I would watch a movie on another couch and told him, “I won’t be ugly or argue or be mean, but I am not here to chat with you. We are not friends. I am not here as your wife.” He agreed to these terms because yeah, he had no choice! I had another home AND he was trying to “win me back” (all self motivated of course).
His Behaviors Deteriorated
I gave it a year while I worked full time and was finishing my masters degree. And his behaviors of course deteriorated. Abusers simply cannot maintain their facade for an extended period of time. There was an event that happened around our shared birthdays that year that was just the last straw. I filed for divorce in the summer of 2018, graduated, and moved from San Antonio to Dallas/Ft Worth. I was living in my fifth wheel, and sad to be so far from my home, but I was happy that I was finally free. I realized I was in God’s hands. I spent a lot of time in the online Life Saving Divorce group, for connection and support. It took 2 years for the divorce because he wasn’t cooperative (surprise!) and the entire time he was texting and emailing me and vacillating between being “sorry” and cooperative to being horrible and mean. He even sent letters to my school after I blocked him – the smear campaign never stopped.
One email he sent was him angry because I blocked him on text and he could ONLY use email. He used email to tell me HE COULDN’T USE EMAIL! I explained in simple, gray rock terms that that was his only option and he said, “You don’t get to decide how I communicate with you!” and he really believed that. I closed my email for the night and the next day saw about 20 emails every 10 minutes or so where he progressed to ALL CAPS reiterating that he couldn’t use email and that I had to let him text me, and finally told me at 11:30pm “GREAT! NOW SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?! I WON’T GET ENOUGH SLEEP FOR WORK TOMORROW!” Unhinged to say the least. Then he started using his work phone to circumvent that. He is a cop so I called his lieutenant and told him to please not allow him to do that. Then my ex emailed a very nasty email about THAT, lol! Everything is everyone else’s fault.
Debby’s Healing Journey
During my first year in Dallas, I did psycho-therapy using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I also joined a class in a church called “Stronger” which helped me see my value and worth. Through the class, I connected with other survivors in the Dallas area. I read many books on abuse, and learned so much from the internet. In 2019, I had the privilege of being interviewed by Natalie Hoffman on her Flying Free podcast. You can check out the interview here. Eventually, all my kids moved up to north Texas, which is so wonderful for all of us now.
Fast forward to today. I currently help administrate 2 Facebook groups about abuse: Confusion to Clarity, and Life Saving Divorce. Through these Facebook groups and other sources, I mentor 1-3 women who are going through abuse. In other words, I am building my life and giving back. Life today is happy and I have so much peace. God has given me a home, a community AND my family. I am so grateful! To others who have made the difficult decision to leave their abusers, and are struggling with the court system, I want you to know that just because things are ugly and hard doesn’t mean you are doing the wrong thing. Be Brave!!
A Note From Caroline
Oh, how I love to share stories of how abuse victims get free of their abuse and become thrivers!! Thank you Debby so much for sharing your story. One thing I noticed as I wrote this, is how much my story parallels Debby’s. Both of us struggled with leaving our abusers. Both of us turned to our church for help, and received even more abuse from the church. Both read lots of books and got therapy and did support groups. Everyone’s journey is unique. I describe my journey in my book A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse. It is my hope that this book will be part of the healing journey of many abuse survivors. Because I struggled with a church that did not understand abuse, and actually made my life worse, I also created a Domestic Violence Guide for Churches. This guide is designed to educate pastors and church leaders about domestic violence, and to help them learn how to help, rather than harm survivors.
My next blog will also be from Debby, who will give some hard-earned advice on how to date after being abused. Stay tuned!
May God walk with you through your own journey.
Many blessings to each of you,
Caroline
