In my last blog, I shared the story of survivor and thriver Debby Seguin. Today, I will share some of Debby’s insights into dating after abuse. I thought they were profound. Let me start by saying I am not a huge fan of online dating. I hear too many negative stories from those who have tried this. However, I also hear beautiful success stories about those who have met online, marry, and have beautiful, healthy relationships. So, I can’t discount the possibility that online dating might help find the right person. I will say more about this below. For now, let me share Debby’s awesome insights.
Debby’s Insights – What to Do Before You Begin Dating Again
I’ve been online dating for about 3 years now (with some long breaks in between). Navigating this at a later stage in life has been a very interesting journey of growth and introspection.
For anyone who is on this journey, thinking about starting this journey, or has a friend or loved one who is, I thought I’d share a bit of reflection that I hope will be of benefit on your own journey.
If you’re a “later in life dater” you are here for various reasons. But in general, most of us come to this place not out of choice, but out of circumstances. You may have lost a spouse or divorced after years of trauma, or you were left after years of investing in an unfaithful spouse. In short, you are here carrying some degree of emotional trauma.
Before you begin your dating journey, I recommend that you focus on your own healing and self esteem and becoming emotionally healthy. I worked on my healing for 4 years before I even considered, or had any interest in, dating. In fact, the desire to date came as a complete surprise that I initially laughed off! I ignored it, rejected the very notion of it, laughed it off, and finally when it persisted, “entered the arena” to “get it out of my system!” True story!
Debby Begins Dating
As a novice who hadn’t dated in 35 years, I initially had a couple of experiences that “proved my point” and I was ready to jump ship. But my pride said, “Girl, you will NOT let a couple of yahoos (I used a different word!) stop this train. YOU are the conductor! Now utilize that cow catcher and keep moving!”
Six Lessons Learned
So, over the course of time, I learned a few tips, and my discernment and wisdom grew. Here are a few lessons I learned.
- Lesson 1: I approach dating not as a person who NEEDS a man to make me feel valued, but as a person who is interested in building a life with a healthy partner. I already have people in my life who love me and value me. I know I have value!
- Lesson 2: I’m not there to fix them or change them. They get to be who they are. But I get to decide if that works for me for a lifetime partner. And they get to do the same. If they disappear, ghost, don’t call again, or simply say “this doesn’t work for me,” it’s not about ME and my value. It’s about their own choices for their own life (and not for nothing, but how they communicate that tells a lot about THEM and I may have dodged a bullet, thank you Jesus!) It’s not a judgement thing. It’s a compatibility thing, it’s “what can I compromise on and what is a deal breaker? What’s just quirky and what will drive me crazy over time?” It takes time and effort, but I’ve learned something of value from every single person I’ve interacted with or met face to face. It’s relationship on-the-job training in real time.
- Lesson 3: I never go into a conversation or a face-to-face meeting with any particular outcome expectations. So there’s zero reason to be nervous. I don’t care if they like me, even if they are super handsome! I’m a respectful, caring, articulate, empathetic person. I’m going to be me and will let the chips fall wherever they fall.
- Lesson 4: If I ever find that needle in this crazy haystack, great. I’ll build a healthy beautiful life with him. But if I don’t, I’ll still build a healthy beautiful life!
- Lesson 5: This applies to anyone at any age. We often focus on FINDING a healthy partner. But what I’ve found is that I need to focus on BEING a healthy partner so if and when an opportunity arises, I’m prepared. That’s what is best for me AND any potential partner. He doesn’t know it, but I’m already thinking of his best interests as well as my own.
- Lesson 6: And if I never find that needle? Might I be disappointed? Maybe. But there’s a million other things I never found or achieved in this life. I’m still a healthy best version of myself who positively impacts the lives of my family, friends, neighbors, and strangers. I call that a life well-lived.
My (Caroline’s) Thoughts
Such great advice Debby, thank you!
I love so many things about Debby’s advice:
- Debby knows who she is and knows she is a person in her own right, who does not need a partner to feel whole. Because of this, she can meet potential partners with no anxiety. Not matter what happens, she is OK. I love that.
- Debby took the time she needed to seek healing after her abuse. Being abused by someone we love messes with us. If we don’t take the time and energy to get healed, it won’t go well for us. Too many people who have been abused end up in another abusive relationship, which is a tragedy. Often, the second person turns out to be worse than the first. So, do the things that help you heal. Seek counseling, join DV support groups, read books about abuse, journal, pray, hang out with other survivors and other healthy friends. Don’t skimp on your healing journey.
- Debby knows that her job is not to change a potential mate, or to try to control the dating process. If a potential partner can’t behave well during dating, they won’t make a good spouse either. Many of Debby’s points are similar to advice Emily Avagliano gave in her book, Dating after Trauma: How to Find the Love of Your Life After Experiencing an Abusive Relationship, Rape or Sexual Abuse. I summarized her major points in this blog.
Let’s Be Safe
Finally, no matter if we are dating online, or we meet someone at the grocery store, we need to watch for red flags. We need to really get to know a person before we jump into a relationship too quickly. Many of us have felt the pain of being with the wrong person, and the devastation in our own lives and in the lives of our kids can’t be understated. Please check out my blog on Safety Guidelines for Dating. Also, in my book A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse, I go into detail about when to start dating, how to meet the right person, and how to know whether to become serious with the person.
May God be with you and give you wisdom and discernment as you begin dating again after abuse.
Caroline
