Those of us who have separated from an abuser often have to deal with questions from people who just don’t get it. They are sometimes what we call “flying monkeys” – people who do the bidding of the abuser. But there may be others who are just uneducated about abuse and are simply trying to understand what has happened and why you have made certain choices to protect yourself. Sybil Cummin, creator of the Rising Beyond Power and Control community has created a list of “Mic Drop Moments” – a quick list of short answers you can have in your back pocket ready to say when confronted by one of these people. Here they are:
When a someone suggests you just “talk it out” with your ex:
“Sure, in a situation where both parents are focused on the best interest of the children, this would make sense. It does not apply to our situation.”
When someone states “I just can’t see him doing that. He’s always seemed so nice.”
“I can see that. His behaviors in public are completely different than his behaviors behind closed doors.”
When someone doesn’t get it because it has not felt safe enough to tell them the details (maybe because they are connected to both of you).
“I haven’t shared the details with you because I did not want to put you in a difficult position. It seems like you have heard one side of the situation, and I’m sorry if he put you in the situation I was trying to prevent.”
When someone drops the ball, does not take accountability, and passes it onto you (passive aggressively).
“Thank you for your response. It was my understanding that I was responsible for XYZ. My intention was to (wait to hear back before sending the info/get more clarification on my next steps/follow up on, etc.)”
When someone says something like: “It’s not illegal to be an a$$hole” or “Jerks can be parents too.”
“Correct, they can be. And based on the situation I am in with such a person I will do everything I can to protect myself and my children from their behaviors.”
I’m sure he’ll calm down. Just give him some time.
“Believe me that I know the patterns of abuse within our relationship. When my ex-partner is calm, it is often the calm before the storm.”
“It’s important to consider how your feelings about your ex could impact the children or your anxiety could contribute to your children’s anxiety about seeing their father.”
“Based on the experiences we have had behind closed doors, the anxiety my children are experiencing is an appropriate response.”
You could add… “If a full-grown adult does not feel safe to be around this person, how can we expect a child to feel confident that they can keep themselves safe?”
When someone suggests it is not DV because you have not been physically harmed.
“If I had been physically harmed, at least others could see the torture our family has been through and continues to go through. Someone attempting to control every aspect of our lives including XYZ with the threat of physical harm or the threat of taking away my children is abuse.”
When someone incredulously asks, “Why don’t you have full custody then?” after learning of the abuse.
“Before I started going through this divorce, I thought the family court system was there to do what is in the best interest of the children too.”
Any conversation where the person is assuming that you agree with everything they are saying, and you don’t.
“You have a lot of strong feelings about XYZ. I’m not sure I fully agree with ABC.”
If all of this happened, then why didn’t you call the police?
“With everything he had already done, I knew the consequences of calling the police would be 10x worse.”
Now you could also add, “Did you see what happened in the Gabby Petito Case?”
I hope these ideas are helpful for you. Coming out of abuse is hard enough without feeling we need to explain ourselves to uneducated others. If you would like help navigating your healing after abuse, please check out. my book A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse.
Many blessings to you all,
Caroline
They have no accountability. They manipulated all those around them. And alienated my children from me. Then my children have continued with the narrative because they were taught I was bad & I didn’t want them. He told them many things that were not true. Even after I’ve proven time & again, they refuse to believe me & that he is great & that I’m garbage.
I am so sorry you have experienced this. Heartbreaking.