Periodically I have the joy of sharing the story of an abuse survivor. Today I am sharing Laura Moseley’s story. Laura was in a domestic violence relationship for 23+ years. Like many of us, Laura experienced spiritual abuse from her church, which made her situation even harder than it already was. Thank you Laura for your courage in sharing your story today. Here it is:
Laura’s Story – Spiritually Bruised and Battered
***TRIGGER WARNING*** This post contains general references to past violence.
I am a survivor of 23+ years of domestic abuse, in all forms. The one abuse that floors me more than anything is the concept of spiritual abuse. This type of abuse can involve just the victim and abuser, but can also involve outside parties like the church or entire families. It wasn’t until I admitted to myself that I was being abused, that I came to acknowledge the different forms and tactics. My eyes then became open.
How her relationship started
When I met my future husband, he was all about doing the right thing and becoming a member of a church, because his family didn’t really do “the church thing.” He had me believe that it was almost kept from him by his own family. I was delighted that he wanted to connect with my family in that way and we agreed to have our baby baptized in my family’s church.
He began spiritually abusing her
However, after he went through the sacrament class and we had our son baptized, he voiced his concern that I was being brainwashed by my family and he was NOT going to be a part of that, nor would we involve our son in that. We soon moved 450 miles away, which saddened me greatly. I was the ever dutiful wife and went with him.
During our marriage, the Lord was used against me A LOT, mainly to point out what a sinner and horrible wife I was. He often called me a “cheater.” I didn’t dare ask him to go to church, but I would get up early on a Sunday and get my children fed and ready for church. I would take them myself and then come home and fix Sunday dinner. I was doing what my family always did, which comforted me greatly.
After a time, my then-husband became enraged that we attended church. What started that tirade was that a church official called to see if my oldest wanted to be an alter server. My husband cursed out that individual, stating that he was not providing another rape victim for the priest and hung up on them — I heard all about it after-the-fact and was horrified. I went to the church to apologize and was relieved of my Sunday School teacher duties right then and there. I was completely crushed. I stopped going to church from sheer embarrassment.
Laura sought help from the church
As my relationship went on, the abuse became worse. I begged my husband to go with me to counseling, but he would not. I made an appointment and met with my church’s priest. I outlined what I was going through. The priest asked for us to all meet together, but I told him that my husband refused. The priest then took it upon himself to call my husband on speaker phone, as if he didn’t believe me, to appeal to him the importance of getting our marriage back on track. My husband answered and cursed us up and down, talking about how much of a sinner I was.
After that horrible phone call, I left in embarrasment and rage. I met with the priest later in the week and discussed what I needed to do to possibly get out of this un-fixable situation. He advised me to repent my sins (in confession) and to go home and be a loving wife to my husband, that love conquers all. I asked the priest if he had ever been in a relationship, which he said that he had. I then asked him if he had ever been married. He said he had not. I thanked him for his limited advice and never went back to counseling at the church again. I felt as though I was being sent to my doom.
Leaving for her safety
After the final violent episode in my marriage, I had to put into place and emergency protective order and file for divorce — simply for sheer safety of myself and my children. My husband had beaten me in front of my children and tried to kill me by strangulation and beating, when they left the home.
About six months after the incident, I called the church to ask about how to go about divorce. Since I was not married in the church, I was told that they did not acknowledge my marriage, so to just follow the legal recourse. He did say I could go through the process within the church leadership too, but that it would be, more or less, a waste of time. I asked about the legitimacy of my children, he said something that greatly surprised me, “Oh, that? We don’t do THAT anymore.”
“Father, does that discount me from communion?” He stated that it did not.
“Father, does that make me an adulterer?” I was legitimately worried.
“No, child, just a fornicator. Go to confession. It will be alright, if you repent.” Um, WHAT??? I was true and loyal in my marriage and I’m a fornicator? I’d heard enough! I thanked him for his advice and hung up. Good grief!
Backlash from her in-laws
My husband’s family, who were not churchgoers, (I never judged them for that, or anyone else for that matter — spirituality is a personal relationship between that person and their Higher Power), liked to talk to me about how to be a better, holier wife. Seriously? While I didn’t question their church status, I often questioned their basis. They often misquoted scripture and I was not to call up how many times they had been married and/or had committed adultery.
While I realize no one is perfect, they always presented that I was an outsider and not worthy of my husband’s love and favors. I lost the acceptance that I thought I had with his family, which degraded my mental capacity even more. I felt like a lost soul.
Spiritual abuse can be the worse kind because I feel it attacks the total inner being of the person, to their very core. It is just another effective attack on a person’s character, in order to break them down to submission. Thankfully, the Lord knows that I have a very strong will. I will carry on my spirituality regardless!
What she’s doing now
Currently, I am working hard for myself and my family to rebuild. We now live in peace and safety! All three of my children live with me and I now have a son-in-law and a grandbaby (also living with me). I am a federal social services customer service professional, so I get to help people every day. I am also a domestic violence advocate, helping people through the writing of my blog, through providing resources and services, through continuously speaking out and sharing my story, and through community activism. God saved me, so I will help to save others. No one deserves to be abused. NO ONE.
AUTHOR BIO:
Laura is a single mother of three and grandmother of one, as well as a Domestic Violence/Sexual Violence survivor of over 23+ years of abuse. She works for a federal social services organization by day and as a certified DV advocate in the rest of her spare time. She is a writer, blogger, future podcaster, activist, and public speaker. She loves getting her story out there, to help show victims and survivors that there is hope and that it is SO much better than ever imagined while in active abuse.
BLOG: http://www.dvwalkingwounded.me/
SOCIAL MEDIA: https://www.facebook.com/dvwalkingwounded/
I hope today’s survivor story inspires you. Some of the most awesome women I know have been abused and have found ways to bring beauty out of their ashes. If your church is uninformed about how to help their members deal with domestic violence, please check out my Domestic Violence Guide for Churches.
I pray each of you will receive the help you need. Many blessings today,
Caroline
