Many of us are tormented by a feeling of shame. Shame is different from guilt. Guilt is what we feel when we know we have done something wrong. It can help us to make amends, and help prevent us from doing something similar in the future. Shame tells us we ARE something wrong. Sometimes this causes us to try to be perfect . . . which is impossible. It may cause us to choose partners who talk down to us. After all, if we live in shame, some part of us agrees with the negative things they say about us. Then, our shame keeps us in these abusive relationships, because it is shameful to divorce, right?

Does God want us to live in a place of constant shame? Absolutely not. Other Christians might shame us, but God never does. I recently heard one of the best sermons of my life. It was about how God looks at us, and how he sees us from the eyes of love, rather than through the lens of shame. The sermon was given by Kevin Butcher, a member of South Fellowship Church in Littleton, Colorado. You can watch the sermon at the link below. His sermon begins in minute 32 of the video. Yes, it was a long sermon (an hour), but one of the best hours you will ever spend.

For those of you who don’t have an hour to spend, I will summarize the sermon.

Kevin’s story

Kevin says that shame is love’s opposite, and Satan’s primary tool of destruction. Kevin grew up in a Christian home, but it was emotionally jacked up. The way he handled this was to become a super Christian, living a performance-based life. He succeeded in sports, went to seminary and became a successful pastor. Yet, he was desperately empty.

When he became a dad, he would watch Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood with his daughters. When Mr. Rogers sang the “It’s you I like” song about unconditional love, this big man would cry. He wanted to hear his Father say, “I like you for you, not for what you do,” but he never felt that from God.

At age 36, after a successful talk given in front of a big audience, he came terrifyingly close to driving over a cliff. His performance based life had caught up with him. He realized he was completely empty inside. He knew the Bible in and out, but he was like a travel salesman handing out brochures to places he’d never been.He could preach about God’s love, but he didn’t feel that love himself. His emptiness wasn’t just an absence of love, but was all about shame. Where love isn’t, shame moves in.

What IS shame?

Kevin defines shame as an irrational sense of defectiveness, a belief that at our core, we are fundamentally unlovable and unworthy to be called human. It is looking at ourselves with a withering look of contempt. We believe we were born defective and are not worthy of the breath we breathe.

Shame is the secret behind most negative behavior. Shame is everywhere, infecting our thoughts and feelings and our behavior. It doesn’t seem to go away.

Where did shame come from?

Shame comes from Satan. In Genesis chapter 2, Adam and Eve were naked and they were not ashamed. They knew nothing about good and bad. There was no shame. They lived surrounded by God’s love. That is how God made us to live. God planned for us to wake up each day thinking, “Good morning God, thank you for your love.” Yet, what shame has taught us to think about is, “I must” and “I should.”

When babies come out of the womb, they are looking at their parents to see if they are loved. They will stare into their parents’ eyes to see if they see love there. And today, we are still looking for someone to look at us with love and delight. Satan knows when we feel this love and delight, his evil cannot reach us.

When Satan came on the scene in Genesis 3, he convinced Adam and Eve that God’s love was not enough. This brought shame came into the world. Suddenly, Adam and Eve realized they were naked. They realized they had done something wrong, and they felt they were inherently wrong. They made coverings for themselves, and began to hide. Adam then blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent. Relational death entered the world.

Where does shame enter our lives?

For us, shame enters our lives through shame-based family systems. If we only receive 40% of the love we need from our parents, the other 60% we receive is shame. This looks like harsh discipline, name calling, and pulling away from the child when they do wrong. If what parents have received from their parents is shame, that is what they pass onto their kids.

If it isn’t our parents, we receive shame from our culture. Kevin tells the story of going to school in a dorky pair of green pants. His favorite teacher, whom he idolized, said in front of an entire class, “Nice outfit Butcher.” 55 years later, Kevin still remembers the feeling of shame as every student in the class turned toward him and laughed. He was humiliated. Don’t we all have a story like that?

Our experience of shame

When we live in God’s love, we don’t need to live in shame.  When we don’t know who we are, we begin to live out of our shame. Our lack of identity causes us to hate ourselves. We become people pleasers trying to be accepted. We need the approval of others because we don’t feel God’s approval. No human can ever give us enough love to fill the emptiness inside us put there by shame. We become perfectionists to try to look good. (Click here to read my story of trying to be perfect.) We choose to cover up our shame by constant busyness. Or, we become addicted to drugs, gambling, shopping or Netflix. We focus on the rules God has given us rather than focusing on his love.

God wants to heal us

God loves us and wants to heal these broken places inside us. Because the opposite of shame is love and God is love, his love is the path to our healing. Jesus defeated shame on the cross. Hebrews 12:2 says, “For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Many people don’t know that Jesus was hung on the cross completely naked. So, in addition to the excruciating pain, he also had the humiliation of hanging naked for all to see. Jesus looked shame in the face and defeated it when he died then rose from the dead. So today, shame has no power over us, except for the power we give it.

How to heal from shame

Kevin outlines two ways we can overcome shame:

• He says that vulnerability, met by God’s love, heals our shame. If someone tells you they love you, but you know you’ve been wearing a mask around them, you naturally assume that what they love is the mask you’ve been wearing. God comes to us as Abba (daddy). He already knows everything we ever did or ever will do. So, we can come to him with complete honesty, understanding that he loves us no matter what we have done or not done, ever. He is our daddy. Let us climb into his lap and receive the love he has for us.
• The body of Christ (the church) is meant to be a healing community. Sadly, it doesn’t always function that way. But, if/when you find a community that doesn’t shame you, one that you can be honest with, the love of the Father will be available to you through the love of these others.

To finish, Kevin told a story of how Jesus’ love changed a hardened criminal. Kevin went to visit him in prison, and tried to read some Bible verses to him. The criminal was having none of it. So, Kevin got up, took the man in his arms, and whispered in his ear, “I love you. I will be there for you no matter what.” That was the turning point for the criminal. He spent the next 8 years in jail getting to know Kevin and Jesus. His first Sunday out of prison, he went to Kevin’s church and served communion to his fellow believers.

Love wins.

I hope this has helped you see how shame might be affecting you, and that God doesn’t want us to live in a place of shame. May each of you feel God’s love and peace today.

Caroline