When Robert met Sarah (not her real name), he sensed she could be trouble. Because of her drinking and drugging, she had sent her son to live with his grandparents. Though there were many red flags, he also saw her as vulnerable because of abuse in her past, and wanted to be her Knight in Shining Armour.

The Domestic Violence Begins

Very soon after they met, Sarah isolated Robert from friends and family. Then things took a turn for the worse. When she drank, she would start out happy and playful, then become spiteful and unpleasant. After that, as Robert says, “the fists would come out.” He goes on to say:

But it was too late for me. I was already isolated and fully committed, having given up my long-term home and my job after she announced that she wanted to move away, to be closer to her family and start afresh. I moved with her, giving up my rented home of 8 years and everything in it. Within days of moving to our new home, she attacked me, punching me so hard in the face that she broke her hand. I’ve also been woken up at night by a flurry of punches to the face and I’ve been threatened with a knife.

Robert Arrested for Domestic Violence

During one such argument, the neighbors called the police. When they learned Robert was not on the lease they suggested he go to a hotel. When he told them he had no money for a hotel, (Sarah had control of the money), they handcuffed him, dragged him from the house and threw him in jail. Robert notes:

In effect, these police officers had become a tool of my abuser. I was the victim, yet here I was, being aggressively arrested and dragged from my home, to spend a night in police cells. Meanwhile, my attacker sat comfortably at home, no doubt in smug satisfaction that I had been ‘taught a lesson.’ On my return home the next day, I was mocked and belittled.

My solicitor had made some pretty strong protestations to the police and on one occasion, I received a visit from the Chief Constable, (while my partner was out) who apologized in person for my treatment. However, the damage was done and nothing he said helped to calm the burning injustice that I felt. There were many other incidents after this but I just kept my head down and made excuses for her. Each time it happened, I thought about her past and told myself that one day, she would realise that I wasn’t the enemy.

A Brief Cessation of the Violence

It wasn’t long before Sarah announced a move to Scotland. Sarah’s parents got together and begged me not to go. ‘She will destroy you’ they said. I responded by saying that if I didn’t stand by her, who would?

Sarah promised that It would all be better in Scotland. ‘I can get my son back and be happy again,’ she said. We moved to Scotland. Again, I wasn’t allowed to be on the rent agreement. I got a job, paid the bills and the abuse got worse. I was now in a low paid job. I had no car, lived in a small village, miles from anywhere and no family in the U.K. to turn to. My bank card was permanently taken from me and I had to ask for money if I wanted it.

I can hear you saying, ‘Why would you agree to that?’ It’s a perfectly reasonable question.

Originally Sarah asked to keep hold of my bank card because she was at home all day and said that she could get the shopping done while I was at work. It seemed like a sensible idea so I handed it over. Then, when I asked for it back, it would be a drama, she would kick off and make life difficult, so I stopped asking. If I needed money, I had to ask for it. I felt that Sarah could pick up the phone to the police and say anything at any time, then it would be me in the cells again. Or I would get a punch in the mouth!

Eventually Sarah became pregnant. At the time, I wasn’t even sure the baby was mine but I stood by her. Then, the abuse – stopped. Just like that. And for almost a year, our relationship was perfect. I thought that the tide had turned.

Our beautiful daughter was born (I secretly did a DNA test, confirming that she was mine). But Sarah refused to name me on the birth certificate. This was the ultimate weapon of control as I adore my daughter. Because we were not married and I was not named on the birth certificate, under British law, I had absolutely zero parental rights. Sarah could ban me from seeing our daughter and my only option would have been a very long and very expensive court case.

The Abuse Begins Again

Then, a couple of months later, I was attacked again.

I was holding our daughter, who at the time was choking on medication she had been given. When your kid is choking, it’s one of the most frightening things that you can deal with. My daughter was struggling to breath and I was frantically trying to clear her airway, when I was punched hard in the face from the side.

I staggered to one side, pulling my daughter close to me. I instinctively covered her with my body as the blows rained down. I was screaming at Sarah to stop, which she eventually did but she continued to scream abuse at me. Her reason – the way I had asked her to hand over our daughter so I could administer first aid. Luckily, our daughter was ok. Her airway cleared during the struggle and she wasn’t hurt by the attack. She was also too young to remember the incident.

I didn’t know it at the time, but this was the turning point. The shock of being attacked again, whilst holding our baby, tipped me over the edge and I had a breakdown. I collapsed at work in front of my boss and ended up telling my occupational health department everything.

I was told that my partner was the latter. ‘Go home, pack a bag and leave.’ I was told. ‘But you won’t, I can see it in your face and hear it in your words’ she said. ‘On average, it takes 30 serious assaults before people start to try to leave’ she said. (I believe this number has now changed to 35).

Robert Separates from Sarah

I don’t recall how long it was before I did leave but I eventually got myself a flat in the village and moved out. I kept my job, had my daughter at weekends and really started to get my life back together, or so I thought. Unfortunately, things were about to get a lot worse!

Another Abusive Incident

One weekend Sarah asked if she could come around to see me, have a drink and talk things over. Like a fool, I agreed. It turned out that her mother, who had moved from England to be close to Sarah, had banned her from drinking at home. She pulled out a large bottle of vodka and did cocaine on my living room table. I protested but was told to ‘stop being so fucking boring.’ Her behaviour followed its usual pattern and I could see things were going to turn nasty, so I asked her to leave. I had our daughter for the weekend and she was asleep in her cot.

When I asked Sarah to leave, she exploded and attacked me violently. She was screaming at me and punching me. She threw my laptop across the room and started stamping on it. She screamed that she was going to take our daughter, so I tried to block her by standing in front of the bedroom door. She continued to attack me, so I dialed 999 and begged the police to get there asap. She grabbed the phone, hung up and beat me about the face with it.

She got into our daughters’ room and I tried to restrain her by grabbing her clothing and pulling her back. She fell to the floor and I grabbed her wrists to protect my daughter and myself and to try to drag her from the bedroom. I was terrified on several levels. Terrified she was going to accidentally hurt our baby as she was so drunk, and terrified I would be arrested again despite doing nothing. I got the phone again and dialled 999. I was screaming for help down the phone. Then I decided to run. I ran out of the flat, locked her in with our baby so that she could not take her and called the police again.

Robert Arrested Again

When they arrived, we were both arrested and taken to the police station, along with our daughter. Sarah refused to say anything and was released with our daughter. A police officer said to me, ‘Your partner has been very clever and said nothing, so we’ve had to release her.’ ‘But because you’ve admitted grabbing her by the wrists and pulling her and because we have to act in these situations, you are going to be charged with assault.’ Despite being violently attacked in my own home, making a number of 999 calls begging for help and fleeing my own flat with my face battered, I was still being labeled the perpetrator, while my abuser walked free, with our daughter.

I really can’t put into words how I felt at that moment. Ten years on, as I write this, I’m shaking again and have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Robert Becomes Suicidal

I was held overnight, taken to court, handcuffed, put in a prison van and bailed for 5 months with a condition that I stayed away from Sarah and my baby. During those five months, I was driven to the point of suicide. I just didn’t see a way out. I was utterly terrified of ending up in prison and never seeing my daughter again. I just didn’t see any point in carrying on.

One evening, I could not stop crying, I was a completely broken man. I drank heavily, wrote goodbye letters to my daughters and placed a note on my front door warning anyone that was trying to get in. I placed a rope around the rafters through the loft hatch, climbed onto a stool and put the rope around my neck.

I stood on that stool in the dark, crying like a baby. At one point I rocked the stool. This was it and I screamed out. Thankfully the chair did not tip over but I berated myself for not even getting my suicide right. Then I started to think about my eldest daughter from my first marriage, she thought people who killed themselves were selfish. I didn’t agree with her attitudes on suicide but it made me consider how she would think of me for the rest of her life and it was enough to stop me.

Robert Takes Charge of His Life

This was another turning point. I thought that I could turn up to court in five months, a completely broken man. Or I could turn up with my head held high. So, I went out, brought myself a weight lifting kit and concentrated my efforts and my mind into getting fit. I trained three hours a day after work, six days a week for five months. Sure, I still had some terrible days where I really felt that I could not cope but I came through it.

After 5 months of torture, waiting and wondering what was going to happen to me, the case was dropped on the day of my court appearance. The verdict, no case to answer! Just like that, it was over. I had almost killed myself for a paper exercise by Police Scotland!

Robert Moves Far Away from Sarah

I left Scotland shortly after the case was dropped. I knew that I had to get as far away as possible. I turned to my eldest brother who lived in Canada. I borrowed £1000 and I left Scotland in a hired car with four small boxes of possessions. It was a truly heart-breaking day as I didn’t know if I would ever see my daughter again.

I never made an official complaint because I didn’t feel that there was any point. As a man, the police and authorities don’t look at you as a victim. The stereotype of the man as the perpetrator and the woman a victim is still the view, even when the evidence is staring the police and authorities in the face. I also knew that if I made an official complaint, I would never be allowed to see my daughter again.

So, ten years on, it’s only been in the last few months that I’ve really been able to open up and start to discuss my experiences with people other than those closest to me.

Making Lemonade out of Lemons

Today, Robert is using his difficult experience to help others. He has spoken as an advocate to the Royal Military Police, Navy, Air Force and Marines, and has been interviewed on the BFBS Forces radio and in other print articles. Best of all, Robert is now the Director of Domestic Abuse Business Support Ltd, which supports businesses and their employees from the very real threat of domestic abuse in the workplace.

He says, “As a Royal Military Policeman and Protection Officer, I never believed that I could become the victim of domestic abuse. However, I’ve since learned that ANYONE can become a victim of this terrible crime.”

Lastly, Robert Shares

Things have changed over the last ten years and the tide is finally turning, with men now being recognized as victims of domestic abuse. If you are suffering from domestic abuse, please reach out to someone, support is there for you.

I’m very thankful that I didn’t turn that chair over, because ten years on, I’m in an amazing relationship with my fabulous partner and I get to see both of my girls and my new granddaughter growing up. My life is now full of laughter and adventure and I’ve never been happier. Life is never easy but it is definitely worth living. If you are in an abusive relationship, NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

My (Caroline’s) Takeaways

1. Thank you Robert for sharing your difficult story, and for all you do to help those being abused.
2. It is clear that men, even very strong and capable men, can be abused.
3. As Robert pointed out, police are now trained so that they will not automatically arrest the man.
4. Sometimes police arrest the victim, which happens often, both to men and women.
5. I recommend abuse victims prepare for what might happen if police are called. Please click here for pointers on how to respond when police arrive.

I pray that any of you reading this who are currently being abused will find the safety you deserve. Please contact your nearest domestic violence protection agency for help making a safety plan.

Blessings to you,

Caroline