Tia Payne, Founder of Legacy 31

I recently listened to a video made by Sammie Johnson, MA who interviewed Tia Payne, founder of Legacy 31. Her organization offers support for domestic violence survivors, especially those in the church. Click here for the video. It takes 39 minutes and is definitely worth a listen. For those who would rather read about it, I will summarize it here.

Tia’s Need for Safety in Her First Marriage

Tia was raised by a pastor and his wife. Her father was abusive to his wife and children. When Tia married, she repeated the cycle of abuse by also marrying an abuser. She sought help from her church, but was told to pray for her husband and submit to him. Her church leaders did not give her any DV resources or help her find safety. Tia struggled with her faith. Her parents had taught her that a Christian could never divorce, you stayed and made the best of it, no matter what. One day, when her twins were a year old and she and her husband were arguing, he brought out a gun and threatened her with it. At that point, she took her kids and left.

Her Struggle to Find Peace with God

Tia drove to California and stayed for a time with her parents. Rather than filing for divorce, she decided to separate from her husband, because she didn’t feel God would still love her if she divorced him. Her parents agreed. She began to educate herself about domestic violence by working in a nearby DV shelter. Sadly, her father began abusing her children, so she left and returned to her home town. There, she joined a new church. Her new pastor asked her where was her husband? She explained her situation and he asked her why she didn’t seek a divorce. She said that God did not allow divorce. He challenged her to show him where it said that in the Bible. She couldn’t. She realized that the loving God she knew would not want her to stay and be abused. The next day, she filed for divorce. This opened up a new world in her relationship with God.

Moving Forward

Tia took a full-time job in a DV shelter. After a couple of years Tia remarried. Her mom, who was still married to her abusive husband refused to come to her wedding, because she thought it was sinful for Tia to remarry. They didn’t speak for over 2 years. Eventually, Tia’s new husband reached out to her mom and she and Tia made amends with each other.

How Her Past Abuse Affected Her Second Marriage

Because of her abuse as a child and in her first marriage, she had difficulty disciplining her twins. She admits she was overprotective with her kids and that they were spoiled. It was hard for her to allow her new husband to help raise them. She had to come to terms with what had happened to her before she could be free from her trauma and be willing to allow her new husband to discipline her kids.

Today she suggests that abuse survivors should seek healing before remarrying. She believes that if you have been abused and want to remarry, you shouldn’t do it if you are unwilling to allow your new spouse to have a part in raising your kids. You need to be prepared to blend the family, and share your children with him/her. She says that if her second husband had not been patient, they had not sought marriage counseling and they had not had a strong relationship with each other and with God, her second marriage would not have survived.

How Can Family and Friends Help a DV Survivor?

Family and friends should look for signs that the person is being abused. Does the person’s partner isolate them from you? Do they appear timid around their partner? Do they wear clothes that might hide bruises? The first thing they should do is become educated about DV, and look for resources for the survivor. Be aware that  It takes a long time for a person to leave an abuser. The abuser doesn’t start out abusing and the survivor remembers all the good times. Sometimes it takes 7-8 times before leaving the person for good. It is easy for family and friends to get tired and frustrated when the survivor continues to return to their abusive partner. Be as non-judgmental as possible. No matter how long it takes, continue to be supportive. The survivor will leave sooner if they know they have support.

Resources for DV Survivors

1. The National Domestic Violence Hotline. Almost every community has local resources. If you don’t know how to find them, call the national number (1-800-779-7233). They can help with many things you might need, including walking you through the court process.
2. Local Child Services. Even though these social workers have a bad rap, she has found them extremely helpful. They can offer you and your kids services and counseling. (Note from Caroline, ask your local DV shelter their experience with local child services.)
3. Local Police. Be careful about calling the police. When they come to a DV call, they may decide that the survivor is actually the aggressor, and the survivor, rather than the perpetrator, may be arrested.
4. Legacy 31. Tia’s organization Legacy 31 can help. You can also contact her directly at TiaPayne@legacy31.org, via social media or even calling or texting (330) 322-3074. Tia can help you find resources in your area, support groups and even go to court with you. She can also help you understand what the Bible says about abuse and divorce.

Final Words

Tia wants Christian abuse survivors to know that God wants you to be safe. I (Caroline) often say that God loves you more than he loves your marriage. Click here to find Bible verses about abuse.

If you find yourself in an unsafe situation, please seek help. There are many who have devoted their lives to helping DV survivors.

May the Lord bless each of you today.

Caroline